I cannot get over how many people have told me recently that they read my blog. I guess when I only get an average of two comments per entry, it's easy to think only a few Potter's Mommas are getting on here and checking in on me. But, I looked at the stats and about once a month there is a day when the site gets almost 200 visitors, and is checked daily by an average of 50 visitors. Crazy! Thanks for the love out there!!
On Saturday we celebrated Joel's SECOND birthday. I still don't believe he's two years old. Craziness. It was such a great party, intimate with immediate family only. He was still overwhelmed with the number of people who were staring at him the whole time, ha. My twin brother and his amazing girlfriend drove from NYC to be here, which was such a treat. They don't get to see him that often, so when they do - wow, lots of squealing! I love being around people who love my little man. Enjoy some pics!
I do have good news to share - I have started counseling with one of my church's female pastors and it has been quite amazing. She does Spirit-led counseling, an experience that was very new to me. It was so enlightening! Instead of feeling like she's gotta have all the answers, we both go to God in prayer and ask him to reveal truth to me. I received so much insight about specific people in my life I've been having trouble relating to. She asked me to picture a scene where we were all together, and picture Jesus there too. Where is Jesus in the room? What would He say to me? What would He want me to know about the other people in the room? Genius. It was quite an experience to hear God's voice, knowing it is not your own, knowing you are receiving truth. Together we realized how much I'm still struggling with negativity and depression. I am hoping my sessions with her will continue to shed light on my grief recovery. My goal is to feel whole again...
Uh. I've been feeling really crappy emotionally. Dreading getting on here to talk about it, but I know that it will help. Just wanted to say that I have not been feeling like myself. This grief has made me feel like I don't have to pretend to be happy when I'm not. I guess it's an aspect of being inside the anger stage, so I've gotta keep trying to get outta here! Just yesterday I felt like I was outside my body when being introduced to a new person, and a few hours later when someone was giving me a compliment. I know sometimes I don't have a filter, so I found myself just mumbling something, without smiling, without making eye contact. Even while it's happening it doesn't feel like me. All I can say is - yes, I recognize it. And - yes, I'm trying to be better.
I found out about an amazing new website which has compiled a list of all the grieving mommas out there who have their own blogs. The hope is that other mommas can find someone to relate to as they go through their own loss. The blogs have been catagorized and THIS BLOG is featured under "Fatal Pregnancy Diagnosis." It's such a great idea. I hope that you will remember it as a reference if you know someone in need.
http://butterflymommies.blogspot.com/ Kyle and I were lucky enough to get away this past weekend, just the two of us. We are about to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary, which means we've been together a total of seven and a half years. Wowser. At one point during the weekend, I sat Kyle down and sloppily and tearfully told him how much I loved him. That I love him more now that when we first fell crazy in love. Don't know what I'd do without him.
Anyway, decided I'd try to get on here more often. Maybe blog about all aspects of life, in addition to dealing with the grief. Just found out that our March for Babies Team, Honoring Gabriel, was in the TOP FIVE family teams for WESTERN MARYLAND!! Go us! Thank you for donating to March of Dimes, thank you for walking with me, thank you for being a part of a great day - all about honoring my little man! :)
"People say that I'm brave, but I'm not. Truth is, I'm barely hanging on."
Yes, I love that lyric. After a rough week, the good news is that I continue to learn more about myself. I learned that I am stuck in the anger phase of grief, a very hard pill to swallow. I decided to go back on my depression medication - which I should still technically be on, but I took myself off of them in January... At my appointment, a doctor I have never seen told me that grieving parents are the hardest people in the world to be around. No one knows how to act around us, or what to say. It's very complicated, he said. As awful as it was to hear, it was also comforting. Cause that's what I keep hearing, and this doctor, literally a stranger, knew it as fact. I'm sorry I'm so tough to be around. And I'm sorry that I am angry. Still. And, I'm sorry to those of you who think I'm strong, when I obviously am not. But, what have I learned? I think we are all human, and we all make mistakes, and it's really what you do afterwards that molds you into the person you are going to be. So that is what I will try to concentrate on. After my Tuesday morning Mom's group, we often have lunch together afterwards. I was asked if I was going to the usual location and I casually said, "No, I'm going to visit Gabe today." I made my way over to the cemetary, parked the Jeep and walked over to visit with my baby boy. I always let him know how much I miss him and think about the day I had him. I knelt down and wiped off his stone, which gets so dirty due to the lack of grass surrounding it. I didn't stay long and was back in the Jeep ready to be on my way when I saw another vehicle approaching me, going very slowly. To my absolute surprise, I realized it was one of my dear friends from my Mom's group. She hugged me and we both cried and she said, "I couldn't let you visit Gabe today all alone." I walked her over to his site and she stood by my side as we cried. She knelt down and silently paid her respects to my son. She held me as we cried some more.
I literally can't stop thinking about her this afternoon. I know she doesn't think it was a big deal, but it meant the world to me - at a time when I've been feeling more and more like I'm the girl no one knows how to be around. People are afraid to upset me, carefully watching what they say and what they do. And, then she comes along side me and does the most perfect thing anyone can do. She was simply there for me. She allowed me to cry on her shoulder. She even brought Gabe a small stuffed animal and laid it by his guarding angels. What a lesson in friendship and unconditional love. Since I started blogging, I have written about videos and songs that really touch my heart. But I started thinking about how difficult it would be for someone to go through all the blog archives just to find one of these videos. So, I have created a video page on this website and have included songs that inspire me, as well as the tribute video I made for Gabe and the personal video we have of him letting out a cry. I hope you enjoy them. Please let me know if you do! :)
Sorry guys. Didn't realize I hadn't blogged in awhile. I have been very overwhelmed emotionally the last couple of weeks. Lots of stuff going on personally, dealing with alot. Sorry that's so ambiguous, but I don't think it's fair to put other people's crap out there.
BUT, I am starting to feel better from all the drama. I had a big revelation about some grudges I was holding, and I truly believe God spoke to me and showed me the truth about what was going on in this situation. So, that's pretty incredible. I can't believe tomorrow is Mother's Day. Yes, I have much to be thankful for. Yes, I have a precious little boy who is the light of my life. But, unfortunately, it's also a day that I remember that I am a mother of two. I have had two full pregnancies, yet only have one child to share my days with. It's on these special days that I am thankful I have a gravesite to visit, a place to go and find peace and comfort. My thoughts about Gabe have been less and less about what he would look like and what he'd be doing. I think at some point I realized I was just torturing myself with those open fantasies. Now I find myself thinking about different ways I can honor him. I was so thankful for walking in the March for Babies, to have an entire morning dedicated to remembering my little boy. My dear friend is steadily planning the Gabe Memorial Walk to be held in October, which I am eagerly anticipating. And, I have begun to think about how I will "celebrate" Gabe's first heavenly birthday. I think we will make it short and simple, at his gravesite. I know I want "I Will Carry You" to be played. It's been our favorite song since we heard it months ago. I just wish I had heard it before I had him, and had it played at his funeral. I think we will also release some baby blue balloons that day, after we write a special message to our little man. I try to think of things to do to both honor Gabe, and to help Joel understand where he is. I talk to Joel about Gabe all the time. And, now he can say brother, Gabe, and baby, but he doesn't quite understand what any of that means. As I've said before, I never want there to be a day where we have to sit him down and explain it all to him. I want Gabe's life/existance/memory to be something that we discuss on a regular basis. He will grow up learning that he is a big brother and that his little brother is in Heaven. What a great way to be able to talk to Joel about Jesus and Heaven. I never thought of that before! See, that's why it's good to write. It does help the healing. Love you guys! Thanks for reading! And leave me some birthday suggestions!! :) So, I'm at the grocery store with Joel today and the bagger asks me the dreaded question as he looks at Joel, "Is he your only child?" "Yes" I respond quickly, and then immediately regret that I have just denied my other son.
This is probably only the second time I've decided not to go into detail about the fact that, yes, I do have another child; he was born eight months ago but he passed away. It's a simple sentence to say, but somehow parents of angels feel the need to protect other peole around us. I'd rather not go into with the bagger at Martin's because I know exactly what will happen. His face will drop, he'll feel like an ass for asking the world's most common question to parents, and then he'll say "I'm so sorry." Which almost always makes you want to say "It's okay!" But, it's so not okay, so why do we do that? Just last Sunday Kyle was talking to a couple after church. The man started (jokingly) giving Kyle a hard time for only having one child so far, and pointed at me and said "and she's not even pregnant yet?!" Kyle just laughed politely and I leaned over him and said sternly, "No, we had another son eight months ago who passed away." Then, it happened. They felt awful. The conversation quickly ended. It's just one of those normal things that happens often when you have a child who has passed away. Just take a minute and think about it. It happens to my dear friends who have only ever had a Potter's baby. "Do you have any children?" It's seriously the most common question when meeting new people, other parents, married couples. Also think about how many times you've asked someone "When are you guys gonna have a baby!?" or "When are you going to try for another one?" I'm not saying stop asking these questions, because they are great get-to-know-you questions. But, just be sensitive to the fact that maybe they are trying. Maybe they've been trying. Maybe it breaks their hurt everytime someone asks them. I know it's hard to think about how other people may feel in every situation, but (if you're like me) once you've experienced something similar, you put on your advocate hat and try to protect those you care about. Well people, we have officially hit our first ONE YEAR marker. April 29th was the day we got Gabe's fatal diagnosis. I remember that day so vividly. I remember the way the ultrasound tech grew more quiet the longer she looked at Gabe. I remember the words of our kind doctor as we left the exam room, "I will put you guys on my prayer list." I remember the harsh words of the specialist, "There will be no reason for you to ever regret terminating this pregnancy because we know there is no way your baby will survive." Well, the 21st was awful again this month. Honestly, it starts on the 20th. What's it like? I'm just more weepy than usual. I take the time to think about the only day I got to spend with my son. I think about the details of that day, what he looked like, which makes me think about what he would look like. Etc, etc, etc. But, guess what? It's now the 22nd and I'm doing a lot better. Haven't cried once today!
Listen, people. Crying is part of the grieving process. When I feel like crying - I do! I don't try to bottle it up and hope it goes away. Recently, someone shared with me that their therapist instructed them (while healing from a divorce) to turn the radio station if a song makes you cry. Wow. What bad advice! In my humble opinion, each tear is bringing you closer to finding peace about your situation. You are facing your situation head on! You are allowing feelings to come and you are dealing with them when they arrive. THIS is healthy. I think this month something has finally clicked with me: Only those who have been in my shoes are most helpful to me when I'm sad. I was told this (yes, warned of this) but I still kept expecting well-meaning friends and my close family to understand what I'm going through, say the right things, etc. And, you know what? If you're going through this too, just try to remember that THEY DO NOT understand. They just don't. They haven't been in our shoes, so there's no way they could understand. They will say the wrong thing. They will judge. They will offer advice that could not be more unhelpful. I mean, I'm telling myself this as much as I'm telling you. I have been told since childhood that I am "tender hearted" and that I am "too easily offended." But, as a grieving mom, I know I'm not alone in this struggle. There are entire websites dedicated to telling others what to say and what not to say to grieving parents. It's difficult. We want you to ask about our loss. We want you to talk about our baby. This helps us know that you care, that you aren't going to act like our situation never happened. That our child was never born. And that he never died. But, what I'm saying is that more often than not, you will also probably offend us. Ha, that sounds so bad, but it's true! Please ask me questions. Please feel secure in bringing up Gabe's name around me. But, remember that you aren't supposed to come up with the perfect phrase (cause there isn't one) and you're not supposed to fix a problem (cause there isn't one). We are grieving! We will probably cry! And, guess what? If you cried too, it would show us that you are at least trying to be empathetic and compassionate! If you are a friend who has offered a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, don't think this blog is directed at you. Know that there are lots of things said to me that touch my heart. Some examples: A new friend asks if she can "pay respects to Gabriel" since we weren't close yet at the time of his death, my sister wondering aloud what it would be like if Gabe was here on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and my mother-in-law telling me that she teared up when she spoke to students about Gabe. Sorry if this seems like a rant, I guess I just needed to get it out and (as always) am hoping that it will help someone else in my shoes. Really this blog is written for two people: me - as a form of venting, and anyone else that comes to this website looking for help because they are in my situation. You can also rest assured that if you said something to me that I found hurtful, I probably already let you know. This grief thing has made me more assertive. I have to look out for me. Ok, I'm done. :) Hey guys. I have been trying to write this blog for so many days now, I have needed to write out and let go of all these emotions, but for whatever reason it hasn't happened yet.
Kyle and I need your prayers. We have been so emotionally wrecked lately. Kyle has taken time off work, I have needed help taking care of Joel. We have been a mess! I know; it's to be expected. Yet, it's almost been eight months, so it has kind of caught us off guard. I have been tearful for days now. Crying off and on because of a thought, or a song. And, as sad as I feel, I know that every tear shed brings me closer to finding peace about my situation. It is good to cry, even though it can hurt so badly. So, as many of you know, we are officially trying for our third baby. It’s been a few months now and I can easily start having “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” moments. But, I am trying to remember that God’s timing is perfect and that maybe I need more time to grieve (hmm, you think??!) So, during my weak moments, I find myself researching how long it takes to get pregnant again, etc, and have found so much data on how women are usually irregular after birth as nature’s way to naturally prevent a pregnancy too close to the last one. And, everytime I think “Well, that certainly didn’t prevent me from getting pregnant with Gabe!” (He was conceived just six months after I had my firstborn, Joel, the same month I stopped breastfeeding him.) Then, last week I heard about a couple who has two children and discovered they were pregnant with their third child just DAYS after the husband had a vasectomy preformed! They may have thought they were done, but God had other plans. And what I have been learning is that if GOD wants you to have a baby – He will GIVE you that baby! After I shared this with Kyle, he said, “That makes Gabe’s life so much more intentional. God wanted us to have him, knowing that we would lose him. He wanted us to have to make a choice, and grieve his death.” So powerful! So, even though I still feel so wounded by my grief, I know it’s all for a purpose. It’s all within His plan. April 29th will be the one year anniversary of the day we got Gabe’s fatal diagnosis. Please pray for us. So, as you know if you've read my story, my husband and I fell in love with the name Gabriel before ever realizing that he would actually be an angel. This was the first time in our story that I truly felt the presence of God. I don't think that it is coincidence. I don't think it is chance. I think it was God.
During a bible study a few weeks ago I found out that everytime the angel Gabriel appeared to someone, he was coming with "good news." Gabriel was an angel. Sent from God. To bring good news to those of us on Earth. I love that. Well, just a few moments ago, I concluded the book "Holding onto Hope" which I've talked about before. The author had two children pass away, a daughter named Hope and a son named Gabriel. They chose his name, knowing he would pass away, based on this scripture: As I was praying, Gabriel, whom I had seen in the earlier vision, came swiftly to me at the time of the evening sacrifice. He explained to me, "Daniel, I have come here to give you insight and understanding." Daniel 9:21-22 The angel Gabriel came to Daniel to give him insight and understanding. My eyes flooded with tears as soon as I read that. How amazing. How blessed I am to have had my very own Gabriel, who was only in our lives a short time, but who came with such a powerful message. Thank you... So, I went to a new mom's Bible Study group this morning and we read 2 Corinthians 1:4 which states:
"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." (NLT) I was so excited to stumble upon a verse of scripture that so encompasses the way I feel about what I'm doing. It is my prayer that everything I have gone through, good and bad, will help me better understand how to help, comfort, and love others. LOVE THIS! Just wanted to get on here and say that I'm feeling so great right now. I have had so many people over the last few days say the nicest things to me about this blog - how much it is blessing their lives. Like "spiritual giants" saying that my words have been an encouragement to them! I'm so happy to hear that Gabe's story, and my life, is touching the lives of others. Thanks so much for taking the time to read our journey.
Wishing everyone a very happy Easter tomorrow. I am so thankful for my relationship with Jesus, my Risen King. Hey guys! Kyle and I were asked to share our testimony, and therefore the story about our Gabe, this past Sunday. Our pastor has been doing a series called "Scars" all about the hurts and brokenness that we all go through. We have been looking at how hope can be found within the despair. He thought it would be appropriate for the church to hear about our journey on the week that he would be sharing about how Christ died for all of us. It was such a great experience! Yes, we were nervous, but we know that our story touched many lives on Sunday and that made it all worth it!
Our story was shared in two parts. The despair part of our story was shot earlier in the week and shown as a video to begin the sermon. Then we went on stage (for TWO services!!) and described the hope that was found even in our despair. Link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBkfyvv6qYs Then I shared the following: "The main question [in this sermon series] is 'Where is God in your story?' and we would say that He was everywhere in ours. Even in the beginning, we fell in love with the name Gabriel before we realized, or even fathomed that our son would become an angel. God's presence was so close to us. Along the way, we were given many opportunities to take control of our situation: to terminate the pregnancy, to be induced, and to schedule a c-section and plan the day we would meet our son. We were tempted, but God was right by our side whispering, "This is out of your hands" and "It's not your decision to make." There were even a few miracles along the way. My entire pregnancy Gabe was transverse (side to side) and at the very last minute he moved into a breech position, which allowed us to have him naturally and avoid a c-section, which would have made our time with him that much more difficult. This truly was a miracle as he had no amniotic fluid around him to move. And, it's not uncommon for Potter's babies to pass away during pregnancy or in labor, but Gabe was born alive. And he lived for two hours. Family and friends were able to spend time with him." Then Kyle added "Before all of this happened, Meghan and I would have called ourselves Christians. We would have said that we trust God and that God is good, but now I feel like I didn't really mean it before. It's like, until I had to trust God with something big, something that really mattered, I didn't really know what it meant to trust Him. One of the biggest changes in Meghan and I is our perspective on life. We have this eternal perspective now. Our lives here on Earth are so short and temporary compared with the eternity we will spend in heaven. Because of that, we don't really sweat the small stuff and our hearts are focused on loving God and loving others. I hope that in all we shared that people don't get the impression that God has fixed everything and put a smile on our faces everyday when we wake up and that everything's perfect, cause it's not. We still have days where we wake up depressed and you can still catch us crying during worship at church, but the intimacy with Christ and God's realness are something we wouldn't trade for anything." We are so thankful that we were able to share Gabe's life with so many people. It's awesome to be able to talk about how God has seen you through the most difficult thing you've ever had to endure. We hope our story has blessed you in some way. Thanks, Meg Wow. It feels weird blogging today. I really can't believe it has been seven months! For my sanity, I try not to think about what Gabe would look like or what he would be doing at each month, but on angelversaries, sometimes it's hard not to. Maybe starting to crawl? Looking more like Joel? Or maybe even ME!!?? I wonder if (or how) I will recognize him when I get to Heaven. Will he show me around? Will he stay a newborn for me to cuddle and snuggle, or will he be a handsome young man? I know no one knows, but it's fun to dream.
Today has been so great so far, emotionally speaking. I haven't felt despair or depression. There is nothing I can do to bring my baby back, so I am left to just look ahead and learn to live my life without him. Not to "get over it." But, to constantly be aware of my new normal. It is so comforting to know that my heart doesn't ache today. Yes, there will be bad days. Yes, there will be something that will trigger my sadness out of nowhere. (Why is the new assistant on The Office named Gabriel??!!!) Maybe even tomorrow - but, for today I am feeling pretty okay. I went to Gabe's gravesite today and took a picture of how it is decorated for spring. As only another grieving mom would understand, this is one of the few things that we can do to feel like we are "taking care" of our lost ones. This time I went shopping with my lovely mother-in-law. We carefully visited many stores, looking for just the right thing to honor our baby for the season. I never want his site to look junky, but I want it to show that it is the honored space for a very loved little boy. We found pretty things and playful things. I think it looks absolutely perfect. Wishing you all a Happy Spring! If you live anywhere near me and are searching for a church, please consider Life House East. We are located inside the Leitersburg Theaters, which are set to re-open next month. I have never in my life felt so at home at a church. This is truly where we belong and where we feel called to be. I am involved in lots of things, which really makes you feel a part of what's going on. Kyle and I are in charge of the nursery, which they call Babies Rock and I now attend the Momz Rock lifegroup on Tuesdays.
The church service this morning was incredible. Pastor Patrick is doing a new sermon series on scars. I totally agree with the idea that "everyone has a story." And, I totally agree that we should ask ourselves "Where is God in my story?" Lyrics to Addison Road's "What Do I Know of Holy?" I made You promises a thousand times. I tried to hear from Heaven, But I talked the whole time. I think I made You too small. I never feared You at all - No. If You touched my face, would I know You? Looked into my eyes, could I behold You? (CHORUS) What do I know of You, Who spoke me into motion? Where have I even stood, But the shore along Your ocean? Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful? What do I know? What do I know of Holy? I guess I thought that I had figured You out. I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about How You were mighty to save. Those were only empty words on a page. Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be; The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees What do I know of Holy? What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame? And a God who gave life "its" name? What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise? All creation knows Your name, On earth and heaven above. What do I know of this love? I cried throughout the entire song this morning. I wept. I bawled. The line "Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be, the slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees" really spoke to me. Kyle and I were discussing on the way home from church how the experience of losing Gabriel has brought us so much closer to God. It has made Him, and our relationship with Him so real. And, we know that others who have not been given the priviledge of suffering, and therefore seeing this new eternal perspective, do not see things the way we now see things. We are so blessed. I also loved the line "What do I know of Holy? Of the One who the angels praise?" Of course, this made me think of my angel. Wondering what that eternal perspective is all about? It's when you realize that everything about this life here on earth is temporary. It is so small. The goal is to get to Heaven. It is what we should be focused on everyday. The easiest way to think about it is trying to imagine making a timeline of your life. The time spent on earth will look like a dot compared to the everlasting life we will have with Jesus. So, in a lot of ways, none of this really matters. Does that mean we should give up? No. Keeping loving people. Keep telling people your story. And don't leave out the part about Jesus. Blogging this afternoon in hopes of releasing my emotions, and thus, feeling better. Just found out that a fellow Potter's Momma has experienced a miscarriage just months after losing her angel. Wow. Really? We really have to endure even more pain after the worst thing ever happens to us? I hate that this life is awful. But, I know it is. I know that we are all fallen, and that if this world was perfect, we would have no reason to seek our creator, our messiah, our comforter.
My hubby and I just got netflix and I was watching the series "30 Days" from the guy that did the movie Supersize Me. Great show. The episode that I can't stop thinking about was one where they had a proclaimed athiest move into a christian family's home for, you guessed it, 30 days. That would be the one question I would ask an athiest: Why? What in the world is the point of anything/everything if we just live and then die? The athiest woman was very kind, a good mother, a woman who believed in the golden rule. But, so what? What is all that good for if you think we just die and that's it? Ok, sorry, tangent. Back to grief. Gosh, it sucks. As bad as I've been feeling lately, I know that it is all normal. I was warned by many who have been in my shoes (the only real people to listen to) that I should be careful, because once I started to feel better, I would probably take two steps back. Well, that's exactly how I would describe it, too. I was doing so well!! Kyle's doing better, but maybe that's just because I have taken back ownership of "biggest griever" in my household once again. So, what else should I discuss... Everyone keeps telling me how nice it is outside today. It's sunny and 60 here today. I just hope they are right when they say that the warmth and the sun will improve my attitude and lift my depression. Gosh, that would be great. I know Joel loves to be outside, so at least he'll be a happier camper. Ok, feeling a little better. Just needed to cry my eyes out one more time today I guess. Thanks for listening... I just wish people in my life would know how to be supportive. People, if you haven't been in my shoes do not judge. It's really that simple. Thank God for my amazing in-laws, who keep me sane with yummy wine and sincere concern. That is all for tonight. Really feeling awful lately. Physcially. Emotionally. Achy. Tearful.
I don't know why I thought I could hang out with two six month old male babies yesterday and have it not affect me.
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Author: Meghan
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