Our church is doing their Scars series once again. Last year at this time we were asked to share our story about Gabriel. They recently made a website to share all the scar stories in one place, and ours has been added! Just wanted to share the link with you all. You will see the video they shared (shot last year) and then under that is the written form of what Kyle and I shared on stage during that sermon. It was a great experience, being about to share not only about our son, but about how the experience changed our perspective and our relationship with God. Enjoy.
As some of my very devoted readers may have noticed, I deleted a paragraph I had in a previous blog about how other mommas use the term "angel" to describe the little ones they have lost. I went on to say that I didn't really think Gabriel was an angel, and that it's just a nice thing to say... Well, the comment upset at least one person, so I deleted it. Weeks later, it's still bothering me, so I thought I'd further explain my reasoning...
Do I call Gabriel an angel? Yes. Do I think Gabriel is an ACTUAL angel? No.
Confused? I'll go on... By definition, an angel is a "being" stuck between this earth and Heaven. If you don't know this by reading my blog already, I'm a pretty spiritual person, someone who tries to live within God's will for my life, someone who uses the bible as a handbook. So, it's somewhat hard for me to lightly use the word angel to describe my son. Why? Because of the amazing hope and awe I have for the fact that I will see Gabriel again in Heaven someday.
The original greek word for angel literally meant "messenger." This is a better definition of something I can get on board with because of the things I've learned about God and all the ways my relationship with Him has changed due to carrying, meeting and losing my baby. In that sense, Gabriel has very much been a "messenger" to me. The experience has revealed more of God to me, has kept me Heavenly focused, and has helped me have a different, more ETERNAL, perspective.
BUT, I don't believe Gabriel is hovering over me, or even guiding me. I don't think that August 21st is the day he "grew his wings." All this lingo is very popular within infant loss circles, and I am certainly not trying to offend. I will repeat, I am not trying to offend. The term "angel," and all the visuals that go along with it, is all very comforting right after a loss. And, in many ways I still love that we refer to our lost babies as angels. I have an angel hanging from my rearview mirror with Gabriel's name on it, the Gabriel Walk/5k logo has big, amazing wings on it. I still think it's crazy that we named our son AFTER an angel before learning about his fatal diagnosis. But, I believe my son is in Heaven, not a creature flying around with a halo.
I have put all my hope, trust, faith and love into Jesus. I realize that for some "Angel Mommas" this is a different perspective. Infant loss is totally different for the person that doesn't have a belief that they will ever see their child again. They see THIS LIFE as all that there is. This life is nothing compared to the eternity we will have in Heaven, and for that I'm so very thankful, cause this life can be hard...
Just think of stepping on shore, and finding it heaven
Of touching a hand, and finding it God's
Of breathing new air, and finding it celestial
Of waking up in Glory, and finding it "Home".
This week my email inbox has been flooded with prayer requests. I feel like everyone I know, in every different friendship circle, is going through a difficult time right now. Some are calling it spiritual attack, others bad luck. But everyone is starting to notice the "trend" that we are all in need of prayer.
It has only made me feel more blessed, that right now in my life I am so happy, so thankful, so content, so very blessed. It makes me remember how alone my hurt felt, how I felt like everyone else around me had it so good, when we were going through everything with Gabe - his diagnosis, being pregnant, carrying to term, having him, losing him, missing him. I remembered how easily I felt hopeless and helpless and that nothing would ever be the same. Well, it's not the same, but it will get better.
Yesterday I felt overwhelmed by the amount of people I physically needed to prayer for, and I subconsciously tried avoiding it all afternoon. I was literally restless. I couldn't do anything. God was making it so obvious to me that I couldn't do another thing, not even a nap, until I stopped and lifted these requests to Him. I even thought to myself, there are so many at this point, God knows about them all, what's the point in telling him myself? And just like that I was immediately aware of the importance of always praying for my friends. Just like that I knew that not only would I want someone to pray for me when I needed it, but that the act of humbling myself before God and submitting my requests to him was going to improve my intimate relationship with God as much as it would help my friends feel more at peace.
So, to all my friends going through something really tough right now, I really feel like this is from God, not from me: Remember that this is a season. We all go through tough times and there is a choice in it for us to make - allow this circumstance to draw you closer to God, or become more distant and attempt this hard life on your own.
I hope that this blesses someone today...
A few months ago, I was "introduced" to a friend online because she received a fatal diagnosis at her 20 week ultrasound. Found out today that she had her precious baby yesterday, a baby with a beautiful name, a baby who died moments after being born.
A few weeks ago I found a Momma on my Potter's Syndrome BabyCenter group who is pregnant with her second Potter's Baby. She had three healthy girls in between. They did everything they were supposed to. Were told it was a fluke. Again.
A dear friend of mine is married to a wonderful man, a man who was diagnosed with brain cancer.
None of these situations are "fair." Spiritually speaking, I "get" why God "allows" such things to happen to us. I understand that we live in a fallen world and that if horrible things such as these DIDN'T happen, we humans would not feel like we had a need for a Heavenly Savior. I fully grasp that sometimes awful things have to happen, in according to His will, and that in turn, it draws us closer to Him. No really, I get it.
But, the empathetic/social worker side of me actually FEELS for people when I hear about their situations. I ache when I think about the mom who woke up this morning, wondering for a split second if it was all a dream. No, I did actually birth my baby yesterday. And that baby did die in my arms.
I'm anxious for newly pregnant friends. I know what "worst case scenerio" looks like. And I was called "Negative Nancy" and "Worst Case Wanda" BEFORE I lost my Gabey. It's just how my mind functions. A nice way to explain it is that my "spiritual gift is mercy." Now, doesn't that sound better?? Anyway you want to say it, I feel for others.
I'm so sorry to any of you, all of you, who are going through a similar situation. All I can do is pray, pray, pray.
Psalm 94:19 NLT
"When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."
Oh my gosh guys. I can't thank you enough for praying!! This site was visited 71 times today and you ALL must be some powerful prayer warriors cause I have felt baby move about SIX TIMES since this afternoon. One little nudge was so hard, it startled me!! I immediately started bawling from happiness. God is so good. You are all so amazing. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! :)
I have not been blogging because of my poor emotional state. I find myself in the middle of a storm, having to rely on my trust and faith, which has been a struggle. I feel like I'm doing all the right things - praying for myself, asking Kyle to pray, walking up and receiving prayer at church, but I do not find the comfort and peace that I am seeking. So, I am asking for your prayer as well. I remember feeling carried through some of my toughest days when I was waiting on Gabriel to come, finding out later that so many people were praying, even fasting, for me. It's very humbling to get on here and put all this out there and ask for anything, but I'm doing it.
I am not feeling baby move. I felt Joel at 16 weeks, and you are supposed to feel each baby sooner. I didn't feel Gabe at 16 weeks. We have an appointment Thursday and I am praying they give me an ultrasound so I can see baby with my own eyes. I hope this will give me peace of mind and that my faith will be restored.