I wish I had heard this song earlier...
"I Will Carry You" by Selah UPDATE: Here is a link to listen to the song via YouTube. Not sure who the family is, or their story, but the song is GORGEOUS, so please take a listen! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67FDM80MDkU There were photographs I wanted to take Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I’m not Truth is, I’m barely hanging on But there’s a greater story Written long before me Because He loves you like this So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me To carry you Such a short time Such a long road All this madness But I know That the silence Has brought me to His voice And He says… I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning Walked her through the parted seas Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes Who could love her like this? I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All your life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me To carry you Hello blog followers!! I know you're out there!! :) Today's subject is all about how my grief is manifesting itself into anger. Now, I know this happens, but I guess I didn't realize it was happening until last night. You know when you say something out loud, things click? I believe this is the majority of what happens in counseling. You just need someone to listen to you so that you can come up with your own conclusions. Anyway, my counselor is gone, so I had a make-shift session with a best friend and a tall Shock Top. Hey - whatever works!! :)
I figured out last night that I am really mad. At lots of people. For various reasons. And, what made it click with me that it was probably MY problem and not theirs, is that I realized in any given scenario, I would be mad at these people it they acted a certain way, OR if they acted in the exact opposite way. Meaning, it doesn’t really matter WHAT they do – I’m still mad. Ahh – how horrible is that??!! I guess figuring it out is the first step towards fixing the problem. My lovely husband pointed out last night, during make-shift counseling session number two, that I am just like Sandra Bullock in the movie Crash. “I’m angry all time. I wake up in the morning and I’m still feeling angry.” That’s no way to live. Found this online and it is spot-on: “Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences — the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice. Even though it is a natural, emotional response and is not willed, anger does have some objectives. Initially, anger is PROTEST — an attempt to ward off a reality which is seen as too devastating to one's own sense of survival. It is an attempt to undo an event which is untimely and unwarranted. This phase of anger is the most acute, the most intense and therefore, perhaps, the most frightening. But anger must be expressed or ventilated in order for it to burn out. The reality of the death must be acknowledged; it cannot be fought or denied. Anger is a means of RETRIEVAL. It craves a target. It may be directed at the doctor, at God, at oneself, or even at the deceased. Anger seeks to locate the author of the death with the hope that somehow our deceased child can be retrieved. This desire to retrieve or to have our dead child return to life continues for some time. Anger continues to feed the hope that somehow the death can be reversed. What eventually must be accepted is not only that the death has occurred but also that it is irreversible. As unfair and untimely as it is, the death cannot be undone. Anger is a means of CONTROL. Anger erupts when we have lost control. It is an emotional response designed to regain control. It is a defense against accepting one's own sense of impotence. This helplessness may be the most painful dimension of a beloved child's death. Anger must be vented and burned out before we can, or in order for us to, get close to our helplessness. Our impotence to change the event needs to be accepted.” So what am I going to do about it? Pray for forgiveness and pray that God will release this emotion from me. It's not fair to me, or anyone else. Hope this helps any other grieving mommas out there!! Love, Meg On Gabe's fifth angel-versary I decided to make a video about his life, including some of my favorite pictures. You can view it under my videos on my Facebook account:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=265719756854&saved Somebody has to let me know if this link doesn't work... Hey guys. Thought I'd give an update NOT on the 21st, since those days are usually hard for me. I have to say, I think Kyle and I are doing very well. I am officially off all meds, and have been relying on God's strength to get me through each day. Wow, that'll bring you closer to him!
We still have our moments of sadness, sometimes because of a trigger, sometimes for no reason at all. We visit Gabe's gravesite and talk to him. We talk to Joel about his younger brother. And, we praise God for our "sons." Which, always brings a smile on my face. For me, one of the hardest things that has come up since the sadness has lifted, has been the feeling of guilt. You feel like you need to do certain things on certain days at certain times, to honor your lossed loved one. But, it's not always possible. And sometimes you think you should be bawling, but the tears aren't coming, and you get angry for not showing an emotion. But, God is allowing me to be content in my life, exactly where I'm at. Which, I think, is the greatest goal. One thing that has helped with this guilty feeling, has been a present from my amazing husband. He made an 18 month calendar for me, full of pictures of ONLY Gabe. Now everyday when I'm on the computer, I can look over and gush over my angel baby. What an amazing, thoughtful thing. I hope that my other Potter's Mommas are starting to feel a little better, themselves. This is so hard, but it does get easier. We will NEVER get over the loss of our babies, but we will learn to live with the blessings God has granted us. And, let us never forget, we will see them again one day. For me, that is the greatest comfort in all of this. So, just so ya'll know... I can view stats on my website... Turns out 60 people viewed my website the day before I posted my last blog, when there was nothing new updated. And yesterday, it was viewed over 200 times. Wow! I love knowing that so many people are following my journey. I hope it's helpful to all! Don't hesitate to add a comment and show me some love, cause you know I'd love it!!
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Author: Meghan
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