Hello friends! It is with much happiness that I report that I am doing so much better than I was at the two month point! I didn't go into detail last month, but I pretty much cried off and on for three days straight. The 21st snuck up on me and I found myself unable to cope. But, on November 21st, I handled myself beautifully, spending the day with Joel and Kyle, and later we all visited Gabriel's gravesite. Both Kyle and I felt at peace that day, and the days surrounding this anniversary. We each took turns praying to Gabe while the other one chased Joel around the cemetary. It was a good day.
Kyle was just teaching Bible Study from Philiappians chapter four last night and we discussed having the peace that Paul writes about in verse seven, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." This sentence is right after the verse about giving all your worries to the Lord, that we are not to be anxoius about anything. Well, Kyle and I truly feel like we have that peace. That peace which most people cannot understand. And the only way we cannot explain it is through Jesus. We would not have this peace if we were not certain that Gabe was in Heaven right now with Jesus. We would have anxiety and worry in our hearts, wondering if we'll ever see our baby again. If we'll ever hold our baby again. But, even though we still have sad days, we fully understand that we will once again be with Gabriel. And that gives our hearts a much needed rest...
I just finished Gabe's first scrapbook, from start to finish, in two hours! I am so proud of myself and am feeling so positive and productive. It made me think that I should tell others about some of the things that I've found most helpful since losing my son...
1. Join an infant loss support group, even starting while you're still pregnant.
2. Do individual and/or couples counseling through your local Hospice.
3. Look into medications, if necessary, and do not feel guilty about it!
4. Creat a website, start a journal, or find another outlet to express your emotions.
5. Print off your baby's pictures and put them in a pretty album/frames.
6. Choose your favorite pictures to put in a scrapbook to share with friends.
7. FInd other moms who have their own angels - connect with someone who understands.
8. Cry. Whenever you feel like it. Cry.
9. Download music that reminds you of your angel and listen to it for comfort.
10. Visit your angel's gravesite, make it look attractive, order your gravemarker.
11. FInd peace and comfort in the arms of Jesus.
12. Surround yourself with positive family and friends, who will be an encouragement.
13. Talk to your spouse/loved ones about your feelings. It helps to get it out!
14. Begin thinking about rituals and traditions you'd like to start to remember your angel.
15. Honor your angel by feeling comfortable enough to talk about him or her. Even if the pain is intense right now, it will get better with time. Soon, you'll be able to talk about your baby with happiness in your voice, instead of extreme sorrow.
Remember: You will never get over it. You will simply discover your "new normal." -Meg
My online friend, Pamela, is getting close to delivery. She is also pregnant with a Potter's baby who will pass away shortly after (if not before) birth. Please say a prayer for her and lift her up as she is getting very close to meeting her own special angel. HUGS, Pamela!
Sorry for the constant background changes. I am a perfectionist and I also love change, so there's your explanation! I felt like the blog was way too narrow and it was annoying for me to read, so I was only thinking of you!! Plus, there's sooo many backgrounds to choose from, I could do this all day! Seriously though, I think I'm happy with it now, so hopefully it'll be like this for longer than a few days. :) -Meg
I still struggle with the knowledge that some people cannot comprehend why I carried my son to term. And I want to address that now, for me and for you. So, if you do not agree, or you do not understand, I am hoping this will help shine some light.
First of all, a loss is a loss is a loss. And I would be a grieving mother if I miscarried at six weeks, or if I chose to induce my labor at 20 weeks, or if I carried Gabriel to term. Losing my baby would be a loss to me, at any point. I am not saying that losing a baby by miscarriage is equal to having to bury your infant, but that brings me to my next thought…
My second point is that it was not my decision to make. Coming to realization was difficult because the human part of me wanted out of the pain, wanted it all to be over as soon as possible. But I had my wits enough about me to know that no matter what decision I made, it was going to hurt me for a long time. The mother part of me knew that I had felt my baby move inside of me. How could I make a decision to end my own baby’s life? A baby that was very much alive and well inside me, even if he wouldn’t be after he was delivered.
And my third point is that being able to carry Gabriel to term allowed me to grieve the loss of my son. I have a face to remember. I have memories of his smell and the way he felt in my arms. I have a gravesite I can visit whenever I want to feel closer to him. I have tons of pictures and video to remind me of the day that I had him with me on this earth, and to give me the strength to wait to see him again in Heaven. And I am so very thankful to have all of this.
There is absolutely no part of me that regrets the decision that I made. My hope is that I will be understood by those that mean the world to me. Some of you may be wondering why I even care to explain myself. It is my wish that my child will not be forgotten. I will be remembering him in as many ways as I can and will be celebrating the time I had with him on important holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. It is my desire that through understanding Gabriel’s importance to me, others will also understand my hope to keep him memory alive.
It's been a minute since I last wrote, and since I'm in a good mood, I thought I'd reflect on this past year.
Every Christmas at my mother's house we write down dreams/hopes/prayers for the next year. So every year we get to read last year's list and write a new list of goals for the upcoming year. A few days ago I was trying to think about what might be on my list from last Christmas. Specifically, would I have to face any hopes I had written about Gabriel and then it occurred to me that we didn’t even know about Gabriel last Christmas. In fact, at our first ultrasound, we were told that we probably conceived him on Christmas day.
It is mind blowing to me that in one year’s time I got pregnant with Gabriel, carried him for nine months, labored for weeks, held him for hours, and prepared his funeral.
In less than one year I went from carrying my son to burying my son.