The other question I've been struggling with so much lately is why I've made the unconscience decision to distance myself from God. I was doing so well!!! I feel like it was obvious that we were given Gabe only to have him taken away to draw us closer to Christ. I totally got it. I was doing so well!!! It's like now that the initial emotions have settled, I'm left with so much anger and disbelief. I'm so mad that I don't have him here with me. Yes, I get that he's in Heaven with God. But, I'm too selfish?? or jealous?? and just want him with me. I just miss my baby. I hate that I don't know what he'd look like right now. I hate that I don't get to see him play with Joel. Hate. So, I guess that's it. These negative emotions have caused me to take a step back and distance myself from God. I guess I do feel hurt that I've had to endure this.
The distance cause me to not want to have quiet times. Not want to listen to worship music, or sing during church. Like I was too afraid to put myself out there again?? Or maybe I didn't feel like I had anything to worship about. Well, like I said in the previous post, it is obvious when JC and I aren't close so the hubby has been encouraging me to get back on track with things. It's only been a few days now that I've read the word and listened to amazing, worshipful music. And you know what happened? It makes me bawl. I think it's because it's so obvious He's speaking to me and I feel guilty for not wanting to hear His voice. I also think that being that close to God reminds me so much of Gabe. Partly because it reminds me of how close I was to Him during my pregnancy and afterwards, but also because thinking about God and Heaven reminds me of where a piece of my heart lies.
I think this is a huge breakthrough.
I am thankful that I have this blog, and you readers, to help me sort all this out. Like usual, I having transformed from a crying mess to a peaceful spirit as I release all these words and thoughts. So, thank you.
I don't know if you know this about me, but I am one of those people who wears her emotion on her sleeve. If I am not doing well, I literally cannot hide it. I'm not a faker. This can be so nice, it makes me genuine and real. It also enables my husband to know the exact moment to ask me the last time I've had a quiet time. When I am not spending time with Jesus, it shows.
Partner my inability to act like I'm doing fine, with the selfishness that I think we all get consumed with, and I'm not doing too hot. And, it's obvious apparently. I've been struggling so much with this idea of selfishness and I've decided that it's definitely from this world. When you are apart from Christ, it's the most natural place to be - in the "all about me" world. But, what I've realized is that I kinda got thrown into selfish thinking when I was in the middle of my grief, which began right after getting Gabe's diagnosis. I think this happens for two main reasons: 1, You literally cannot understand how and why the world is continuing to go on when you're in the middle of your darkest hour. 2, Those who love you are constantly asking you how you're doing. So, you're constantly thinking about you, and your emotions, and how you're doing, and why so-and-so ISN'T asking how you're doing, and why they suck, and why you are this biggest victim on this earth, etc etc etc...
I guess all this came back up when Nanny passed away. Once again people were concerned for me. I actually got quite a few sympathy cards, which totally shocked me. I forgot that people rally around you when you're in grief. My pastor just said recently that it doesn't matter who comes to your wedding, it will matter far more who supports you at a funeral. Wow, so true. Anyway, I feel consumed by my selfishness. I feel like I've lost the concept of grace. I'm not thinking of others. I'm not putting others before myself. I'm just thinking about me, me, me. I don't want to be here. I'm trying to pray my way out of this space.
So, that's it. I'm being raw and hoping that you will support me with loving words and compassionate empathy because you've been there before.
I was the only one home with my Grandmother when she passed away Thursday. I knew it would be me. I had already asked the Hospice nurse what I would do if it would happen on my watch. The experience was difficult, maybe even a little traumatic. Not because it was a shock; we knew it was coming. Not because Nanny seemed to be suffering; she was on comfort medications. But because it was exactly like when I saw my son slip from this life onto the next.
Nanny's breaths began to space out, with more time in between each one. Her last several breaths were more like gasps than anything else.
She had stopped eating, drinking, and speaking six days prior. The Hospice nurse and I discussed how and why Nan would be holding on so. We talked about the physical aspects of being ready to let go, and the emotional. It had been increasingly difficult to watch Nanny suffer and decline so rapidly. I thought of the one thing I needed her to know before she would feel it would be okay to leave this earth. I held her hand and told her that I needed someone I knew, someone I loved, to get up to Heaven and take care of my baby. I told her I loved her and that we would all be fine. Our Pastor came and prayed over her. About an hour later, she took her final breaths.
A few weeks before she passed, Nanny was talking to and calling out to loved ones who were already in Heaven. On one occasion she spoke about my Gabey baby. She told my mother that he was so sweet and so wise. She said his skin was very soft. And she said she loved being around all the babies. The thought of Nanny meeting and knowing my infant son, and using the word "wise" to describe him makes my heart hurt so badly.
I miss them both...