"People say that I'm brave, but I'm not. Truth is, I'm barely hanging on."
Yes, I love that lyric. After a rough week, the good news is that I continue to learn more about myself. I learned that I am stuck in the anger phase of grief, a very hard pill to swallow. I decided to go back on my depression medication - which I should still technically be on, but I took myself off of them in January...
At my appointment, a doctor I have never seen told me that grieving parents are the hardest people in the world to be around. No one knows how to act around us, or what to say. It's very complicated, he said. As awful as it was to hear, it was also comforting. Cause that's what I keep hearing, and this doctor, literally a stranger, knew it as fact.
I'm sorry I'm so tough to be around. And I'm sorry that I am angry. Still. And, I'm sorry to those of you who think I'm strong, when I obviously am not.
But, what have I learned? I think we are all human, and we all make mistakes, and it's really what you do afterwards that molds you into the person you are going to be. So that is what I will try to concentrate on.
After my Tuesday morning Mom's group, we often have lunch together afterwards. I was asked if I was going to the usual location and I casually said, "No, I'm going to visit Gabe today." I made my way over to the cemetary, parked the Jeep and walked over to visit with my baby boy. I always let him know how much I miss him and think about the day I had him. I knelt down and wiped off his stone, which gets so dirty due to the lack of grass surrounding it. I didn't stay long and was back in the Jeep ready to be on my way when I saw another vehicle approaching me, going very slowly. To my absolute surprise, I realized it was one of my dear friends from my Mom's group. She hugged me and we both cried and she said, "I couldn't let you visit Gabe today all alone." I walked her over to his site and she stood by my side as we cried. She knelt down and silently paid her respects to my son. She held me as we cried some more.
I literally can't stop thinking about her this afternoon. I know she doesn't think it was a big deal, but it meant the world to me - at a time when I've been feeling more and more like I'm the girl no one knows how to be around. People are afraid to upset me, carefully watching what they say and what they do. And, then she comes along side me and does the most perfect thing anyone can do. She was simply there for me. She allowed me to cry on her shoulder. She even brought Gabe a small stuffed animal and laid it by his guarding angels. What a lesson in friendship and unconditional love.
Since I started blogging, I have written about videos and songs that really touch my heart. But I started thinking about how difficult it would be for someone to go through all the blog archives just to find one of these videos. So, I have created a video page on this website and have included songs that inspire me, as well as the tribute video I made for Gabe and the personal video we have of him letting out a cry. I hope you enjoy them. Please let me know if you do! :)
Sorry guys. Didn't realize I hadn't blogged in awhile. I have been very overwhelmed emotionally the last couple of weeks. Lots of stuff going on personally, dealing with alot. Sorry that's so ambiguous, but I don't think it's fair to put other people's crap out there.
BUT, I am starting to feel better from all the drama. I had a big revelation about some grudges I was holding, and I truly believe God spoke to me and showed me the truth about what was going on in this situation. So, that's pretty incredible.
I can't believe tomorrow is Mother's Day. Yes, I have much to be thankful for. Yes, I have a precious little boy who is the light of my life. But, unfortunately, it's also a day that I remember that I am a mother of two. I have had two full pregnancies, yet only have one child to share my days with. It's on these special days that I am thankful I have a gravesite to visit, a place to go and find peace and comfort.
My thoughts about Gabe have been less and less about what he would look like and what he'd be doing. I think at some point I realized I was just torturing myself with those open fantasies. Now I find myself thinking about different ways I can honor him. I was so thankful for walking in the March for Babies, to have an entire morning dedicated to remembering my little boy. My dear friend is steadily planning the Gabe Memorial Walk to be held in October, which I am eagerly anticipating.
And, I have begun to think about how I will "celebrate" Gabe's first heavenly birthday. I think we will make it short and simple, at his gravesite. I know I want "I Will Carry You" to be played. It's been our favorite song since we heard it months ago. I just wish I had heard it before I had him, and had it played at his funeral. I think we will also release some baby blue balloons that day, after we write a special message to our little man. I try to think of things to do to both honor Gabe, and to help Joel understand where he is.
I talk to Joel about Gabe all the time. And, now he can say brother, Gabe, and baby, but he doesn't quite understand what any of that means. As I've said before, I never want there to be a day where we have to sit him down and explain it all to him. I want Gabe's life/existance/memory to be something that we discuss on a regular basis. He will grow up learning that he is a big brother and that his little brother is in Heaven. What a great way to be able to talk to Joel about Jesus and Heaven. I never thought of that before! See, that's why it's good to write. It does help the healing. Love you guys! Thanks for reading! And leave me some birthday suggestions!! :)