From my friend Brandy:
She posted the following on her blog:
"Today is a very special day. It's Gabriel's birthday. Gabriel is a little boy who I never got the privilege of meeting, but has touched my heart in a way that I never thought it could be touched. Gabriel only lived two hours, but those two hours have made his parents able to minister to so many others. So many doors of friendship have opened because of this one little boy. WIthout Gabriel, I never would have even heard of his parents. I am so happy to know them. Without Gabriel, this blog that has been so healing for me never would have even existed.
Christians are supposed to help carry one another's burdens. The loss of a child is such a heavy burden--- no one can carry it on their own. I can honestly say that I've never met Gabriel's mommy or daddy face to face, but I feel like I know them better than some people that I consider a good friend. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers today as they are missing their little boy so very much."
LOVE YOU, CARRIE!! :)
In case you don't know (if you don't have a Facebook account) we are holding a ceremony of sorts for Gabriel this Saturday at 7pm. Our son would have been turning one year. What a crazy thought. This is a momentous occasion for us. It's been a tearful week for Kyle and I, and for many of our close friends and family.
Since Rose Hill Cemetery is the largest in our county, I just wanted to give you guys directions to Angel Land...
If you come in through the main enterance (where the fountain is), drive through and make your first left. This road will take you around the cemetery in a big circle. Continue turning towards your right when you see the sign for "Legend of the Dogwood." Angel Land is along this road on your lefthand side. I recommend parking on the right side of the street in case any other families would happen to be visiting loved ones in Angel Land on Saturday night. We will actually set up the balloons and a table full of Gabe's pictures in the small open field to the left of Angel Land. See you all at 7pm!! :)
So many of you have been emailing me with kind, uplifting words. I want you to know how grateful I am for you. It's so easy to focus on the negative comments, and it helps to be flooded with enocuraging ones. Had to share this from my friend, Carolyn:
Marjorie Holmes writes,"I am grateful God for tears. How marvelously you made us that we are equipped with this way to express our emotions. Quick tears to relive hurt or for the times we are touched, too moved to speak. Or when the deeper sorrows come, that we have this fierce and wonderful cleansing. How you must love us that you provided this for us. No other being has it, no insect, bird or beast. Only man and woman in your likeness.
Jesus wept, as we weep. Our very tears our testimony to your fatherhood. Thank you for this proof that we are your sons and daughters, and for this healing outlet, the ability to cry.
And thank you Lord for laughter and all the people who can bring it about. The world is so full of anguish; life itself sometimes seems so grim. Thank you that in your vast understanding you gave us laughter to make us forget, to restore our wounded spirits and lighten the load. Just as you saved tears for human beings, you blessed us alone with laughter.
Surely this is a clue to your very nature. A nature akin to our own. Thank you for this blessing Lord. This shining gift of laughter."
Hello lovely readers. This morning our church speaker quoted lyrics from a song. And I simply cannot get over how amazing these words are.
"Sometimes God calms the storm, but sometimes God calms the child."
It makes so much sense to someone who has ever questioned why bad things happen in this life. Jesus told us that we would have troubles in this world. Jesus warned us of that, even guaranteed that it would happen. And even though He has the capability to stop every storm (every trouble, every struggle, every obstacle we may face), He doesn't always do that. And, with perspective we can see that sometimes it's the bad things in life that draw us closer to Him. It's all a part of his plan. The storms in life can cause us to look up.
I literally cannot stop crying. Hoping that typing out what I'm thinking and feeling is going to help. Cause I've already done the following and it hasn't helped: Visited with a friend, ate a smoothie, talked with another sweet friend on the phone, organized my house, lit a sweet smelling candle, put Joel to bed, watched a way too sad video on Facebook. Darnit.
It started last night when I couldn't sleep. I was awake and alone and thinking about my precious son and my amazing husband and the fact that they were both sleeping peacefully. And then, a memory that felt more like a shout than anything else, reminded me of being up in the middle of night, thinking about Kyle and Joel sleeping, and counting the minutes between my contractions the night before I had Gabe. I remember knowing that I could wake up Kyle, but wanting to be strong by allowing him to sleep. So, I just tried to cherish those last moments of my baby boy inside my belly. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I ENDURED THAT AND YET I DO NOT HAVE A BABY BOY TO HOLD. How unfair is that? How awful is that? Yes it gave me eternal perspective and yes it made my closer to my family, but GOD, IT SUCKS.
I cannot remember the last day I spent crying this much. In a way, it feels good because I can get to feeling really guilty about not being sad and not shedding tears for MY GABE. So, here it is. Here is all the emotion that I have been trying to avoid and it is enabling me to release it. And I have stopped crying...
It's official. I am going to shut up and build some walls to try to shield myself from oblivious and rude individuals. I am so tired of assuming that friends will be compassionate and understanding. If you don't have anything kind to say, just say "I'm sorry."
Hey guys. Having a rough day so I thought I'd get on here and tell you all about triggers. They are awful. They are everywhere.
One day last week at the beach, I was having a delightful time reading my book and listening to the sounds of the ocean. I look over and see a family setting up a spot close to us. At first I think it's a Mom, a Dad, and twin boys, but upon closer inspection I realize that it's two brothers very close in age. I immediatly start to cry, trying to keep as silent as possible. I am once again reminded of what I could have, should have. All week I kept thinking about how happy and content Joel was, without a playmate at all. It just breaks my heart.
The other trigger that came unexpectedly was the expiration date on more than one grocery item I consumed at the beach. I guess sports drinks and such are good for about eight months because I saw the date March 18th, 2010 on several things. That would have been, should have been, my next due date. Ugh. It all seems like too much sometimes.
Hello readers! So much to tell you, but to be honest, I have not felt like blogging. I'm doing this out of my love to you and nothing else, ha. So, we were on vacation with family this past week and the wine flowed like, well, wine. It was a great week, so relaxing and uplifting. Lots of laughter and no schedule. Perfect.
Friday morning I woke up really sad, not really able to put my finger on it. Was it my longing for Gabe? Was in time to finally bawl over the miscarriage? Or was it just the realization that my vacation was almost over? All I know is that I was able to finish the book Eat, Pray, Love on the beach and that really improved my mood.
Chapter 105 really spoke to me: "The Balinese don't let their children touch the ground for the first six months of life, because newborn babies are considered to be gods sent straight from heaven, and you wouldn't let a god crawl around on the floor with all the toenail clippings and cigarette butts. So Balinese babies are carried for those first six months, revered as minor deities. If a baby dies before it is six months old, it is given a special cremation ceremony and the ashes are not placed in a human cemetary because this being was never human; is was only a god. But if the baby lives to six months, then a big ceremony is held and the child's feet are allowed to touch the earth at last and Junior is welcomed to the human race."
This made me think about the incredible miracle it is that a child even makes it through nine months of pregnancy, not to mention the agony that is labor, and then its first year. Being a mother of an angel has made the reality of loss all too real. The miscarriage hasn't helped either.
Last night Kyle and I had an awful conversation. On our way to visit his parents, whom I am officially calling "Momma" and "Dad" now - come on, we've been married five years - we had a talk about the possibility that God may only ever grant us one earthly child. That possiblity was something I had not allowed my mind to fully devour. Just today I was telling someone about how we lost Gabe almost one year ago, and had a miscarriage two weeks ago (it's been two weeks already??!) He told me that his wife suffered three miscarraiges and that although they may be common, they never got any easier. So then I asked how many children they did have, thinking about the families I know who have six/seven kids with an additional two/three miscarriages. He replied that they had one son. Ugh. That might be us.
This whole time I've been worried about creating a sibling for Joel. That might not be God's plan. So, what am I to do? WWJD? Ha! He would want me to be positive and content in the life he has provided for me. So, now my energy and love will go completely to my son. He is my gift. He is a blessing to me. Any other child that comes our way will be another blessing. Wow, that was honest.