Hello everyone. Just wanted to finally get on here and give you an update on how we're doing emotionally. It has been six months and one week since we had to say goodbye to our angel. I feel like my emotional state has been much improved since about five months. Kyle, on the other hand, has spent so much time and energy taking care of Joel and I, that now that I'm starting to feel better, his emotions are catching up to him.
He has had mono for about a month and a half now, and is starting to feel better physically. But emotionally, (his words) he is not 100 percent yet. My heart just aches for him; I know exactly how he feels. And, he's not one to talk about himself to others, so not many people know that he is depressed. So many people have commented on how sad and ill he looks, and how he's not acting like himself, all the while they are crediting his mono with these symptoms. Kyle doesn’t have the heart to tell them that it's because his body aches with sadness. I have been doing my best to help Kyle through this. Talking with him, going into my counselor-mode, sharing songs and videos that have helped me. Lately, the thing that has been helping me the most is a book that another Potter's Momma graciously mailed to me, called Holding on to Hope, by Nancy Guthrie. The book is written by a mom who lost her daughter, and includes an eight week study on the book of Job. I have highlighted almost the entire book. It has really been speaking to me... "Job's story is about much more than his suffering. Somehow, along the way, he discovered God in a way he had never known him before... And so it is in our sadness that we discover a new aspect of God's character and reach a new understanding of him that we could not have know without loss." It talks about how going to church and worshiping can be difficult. It discusses the gratitude that we learn after a loss - that our child was a gift from God, and that we are lucky to have had any time at all with them. It goes into detail about the blame we feel, where we put it, and where it should go. It speaks about suffering and how it is not meaningless. "If God has allowed suffering into your life, it is for a purpose." And, so far, my favorite chapter is on eternity. I love the line where the author says, speaking about her own daughter, "I don't believe it is a tragedy that Hope had the opportunity to be spared from the evil and pain of this life and instead be in the presence of God." LOVE THAT! If you are reading this blog because you have had a loss, I strongly recommend that book. There are lots of books out there for miscarriage, but if you have had an infant loss - this book is just what you're looking for. So, say a small prayer for my husband. And all the husbands who have to go through the tragedy of losing a child. It is a very difficlut thing to go through, and we often forget that the Daddy suffers too. In love, Meg I now know that when I get the same question asked several times, it is best that I address it to all.
We were told that Gabe's diagnosis of Bilateral Renal Agenesis (aka, Potter's Syndrome) was a fluke. Not due to something I did. Not due to genetics. Sometimes, infants are born with BRA and it is then discovered that one or both of the parents only had one kidney, and never knew it. However, because we have Joel, who is 100% healthy, we know that we can produce a child with kidneys. Also, the reoccurance rate for having another Potter's baby is approximately 3 percent. So, there you go... I have added more info on Potter's under the "Information" tab above. Good morning! I still have lots to say about reaching our six month angelversary, but for now I only have time to tell you about the March of Dimes.
The oldest, and first, walk is called March for Babies. I am going to be participating this year, on April 24th at the Hagerstown Fairgrounds. I am asking for help, whether that be donations, or to volunteer to be on my team, which is called "Honoring Gabriel." Please consider helping me in some way. Even a $5 donation, instead of getting coffee two days this week, would help me reach my goal. Please know that 78 cents of every dollar raised goes directly back into support and research for the cause. What's the cause? "The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality." Also, don't forget, some of my dearest friends are organizing a Gabriel Memorial Walk to be held in October. Look forward to more details about that! Thank you so much! Here's the link to my personal website through March of Dimes. You will be able to give a donation, join my team, add banners and Facebook Apps. http://www.marchforbabies.org/meghankelsey Hello followers! The website had about 200 views one day this week. (This is significant considering you can't find this website using google - it costs more!) I am always so thrilled to think about how many people look at this website. My husband and I prayed so much that Gabe's life would bring others closer to Christ and I was reminded again today that this website, and his story, have done just that.
I try very hard to stay positive and think about all of you who thank me for my "transparency" and my "vulnerability," but just know that it does not come easily. And I have had my words used against me. So, the positive affirmation does help. I know so many of you look at this site anonymously, but I am asking that if reading about Gabe has helped you in anyway, please let us know. I started a Word Document entitled "Gabe's Miracles" months ago, just time lining all the people who have come to Christ or renewed their relationship with him since reading about Gabe and our family. I would LOVE to add to it! Here are a few anonymous miracles: From a pastor: "You have changed me by changing my perspective and encouraging my own journey of faith. Thank you so very much.” From a dear friend: "I know that because of you, God has touched my life. I was unsure, and wanting to believe, but now, today, because of you, Kyle, Joel and Gabe, God is a part of my life.” A friendly acquaintance: "Reading your website was like reading a message from God straight to me." A family member: "My life will be forever changed." An old friend: "I just want you to know that your family's story over the last year or so...has made a huge impact on me. I was kind of lost from God for awhile for many reasons...and I remember thinking when I saw your website for the first time that I wanted to be able to trust in him like you and your family did and still do. So, I just wanted to let you know that your website isn't only helping other families who have angels up in heaven, its helping everyone who reads it." Relationships have been mended. Spirits have been lifted. Faith has been restored. Share! I have been having a few sad days recently. The kind of sad that you can't really pinpoint. But, it's there. I had a playdate yesterday with a new friend and she asked about Gabe. It was wonderful. And, as I talked about him, I didn't even come close to crying. This, I know, is a great thing - a sign of how much better I am doing. But, I couldn't help but to feel guilty the entire rest of the day, upset that talking about my son had not brought me to tears. This might not make sense to those of you who have not had a loss, but I know some of you will understand.
But, I was able to go to our Bible Study last night and be around my amazing God-loving girlfriends and my strength was restored. My faith and hope in God was ignited. My heart was comforted. I was listened to and understood. Friends are so amazing. Just this morning, another friend sent me a link about a Hillsong singer. I really wanted to share it with you all, because it explains how I feel about my relationship with God so much. The beginning is the interview and then it goes into the song. Below the clip you will see the lyrics to the song. I just want to thank my friends for being there for me. Thank you all for thinking about me, asking me how I'm doing, sending me encouragement, talking about my son, and for loving me unconditionally. You are teaching me so many lessons about how to treat others. Thank you. http://trulygodsgrace.wordpress.com/2009/09/29/hillsong-live-desert-song-with-lyrics-jill-mccloghry-interview/ Hello followers. Just having a really sad afternoon and decided to blog in hopes of feeling better. My mom got me the newest Steven Curtis Chapman CD, Beauty will Rise, which he wrote after losing his daughter, Maria. For those of you who don't know, in May of 2008, his teenage son accidentally ran over his adopted daughter in their driveway. She was five years old. The cd is amazing, but I bawl the whole time I'm listening to it. My favorite song has to be Heaven is the Face.
You can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE Lyrics: Heaven is the face of a little girl, with dark brown eyes that dissapear when she smiles. Heaven is the place where she calls my name, says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile." God, I know, it's all of this and so much more. But, God, you know that this is what I'm aching for. God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door. So right now, Heaven is the sound of her breathing deep, lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing. And Heaven is the weight of her in my arms, being there to keep her safe from harm while she dreams. Heaven is a sweet maple syrup kiss. And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone. Heaven is the place where she takes my hand and leads me to you and we both run into your arms. Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream. It's far beyond anything I can conceive. So, God, you know, I'm trusting you until I see Heaven in the face of my little girl. I literally feel like God took his daughter so that he would write this music - to comfort and bless people like me. Now, I'm really sad that that had to happen to him, but it helps make sense of his loss. I've been spending my afternoon with my boys. Kyle on the floor playing legos with Joel Bee. Me making dinner and listening to this cd, watching the gorgeous snow falling outside. And, it's all really nice. But I miss my son. I'm sad that I'm not holding him as we watch them play. I'm sad that I can't see Joel interact with him. I can only pray that God will bless me again with another baby to love. Hope you're all enjoying this weather. It's certainly causing us all to spend a LOT of time with our families! Little shout out to my MIL, Dawn, who took care of Kyle and I this morning when we came to visit her. It was so incredibly nice to be served lunch, sitting on the couch, not having to move a muscle. Thank you... Today is my birthday. It took me a few hours until I remembered that I found out I was pregnant with Gabe this day last year. Suddenly, I'm wisked back into the past. Remembering walking dowstairs to tell Kyle that "we" were pregnant again. Seeing the huge smile come quickly on his face.
Thinking about the day we were told our tiny baby was "incompatible with life." Recalling what it was like to have to tell family and friends. Thinking about how their faces dropped as we shared our news. Remembering what it was like when we held our son for the last time. I'm driving and crying alone in my car. But, it's okay. My baby is happy and healthy and loving life up in Heaven. I have so much to look forward to. There are hard moments, but I know that I will see him again soon. This month will mark six months since we met and lost Gabriel. This day marks a new beginning for me. The year I was 27 was the year I lost my son. 2009 was the year I lost my son. I'm starting over. New year. Positive thoughts!!! :) Quotes from fellow Potter's Mommas:
"I really don't know what I would do without being able to read your words.... I see them as my future and you really give me hope that this will get better--- slowly, maybe, but progress can be made!" "I know I've said it a hundred times, but I need to say it again: I can never express to you how much... you helped me in guiding me through what to expect..." I love you, girls! I wish I had heard this song earlier...
"I Will Carry You" by Selah UPDATE: Here is a link to listen to the song via YouTube. Not sure who the family is, or their story, but the song is GORGEOUS, so please take a listen! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67FDM80MDkU There were photographs I wanted to take Things I wanted to show you Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes Who could love you like this? People say that I am brave but I’m not Truth is, I’m barely hanging on But there’s a greater story Written long before me Because He loves you like this So I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All my life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me To carry you Such a short time Such a long road All this madness But I know That the silence Has brought me to His voice And He says… I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning Walked her through the parted seas Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes Who could love her like this? I will carry you While your heart beats here Long beyond the empty cradle Through the coming years I will carry you All your life And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me To carry you Hello blog followers!! I know you're out there!! :) Today's subject is all about how my grief is manifesting itself into anger. Now, I know this happens, but I guess I didn't realize it was happening until last night. You know when you say something out loud, things click? I believe this is the majority of what happens in counseling. You just need someone to listen to you so that you can come up with your own conclusions. Anyway, my counselor is gone, so I had a make-shift session with a best friend and a tall Shock Top. Hey - whatever works!! :)
I figured out last night that I am really mad. At lots of people. For various reasons. And, what made it click with me that it was probably MY problem and not theirs, is that I realized in any given scenario, I would be mad at these people it they acted a certain way, OR if they acted in the exact opposite way. Meaning, it doesn’t really matter WHAT they do – I’m still mad. Ahh – how horrible is that??!! I guess figuring it out is the first step towards fixing the problem. My lovely husband pointed out last night, during make-shift counseling session number two, that I am just like Sandra Bullock in the movie Crash. “I’m angry all time. I wake up in the morning and I’m still feeling angry.” That’s no way to live. Found this online and it is spot-on: “Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences — the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice. Even though it is a natural, emotional response and is not willed, anger does have some objectives. Initially, anger is PROTEST — an attempt to ward off a reality which is seen as too devastating to one's own sense of survival. It is an attempt to undo an event which is untimely and unwarranted. This phase of anger is the most acute, the most intense and therefore, perhaps, the most frightening. But anger must be expressed or ventilated in order for it to burn out. The reality of the death must be acknowledged; it cannot be fought or denied. Anger is a means of RETRIEVAL. It craves a target. It may be directed at the doctor, at God, at oneself, or even at the deceased. Anger seeks to locate the author of the death with the hope that somehow our deceased child can be retrieved. This desire to retrieve or to have our dead child return to life continues for some time. Anger continues to feed the hope that somehow the death can be reversed. What eventually must be accepted is not only that the death has occurred but also that it is irreversible. As unfair and untimely as it is, the death cannot be undone. Anger is a means of CONTROL. Anger erupts when we have lost control. It is an emotional response designed to regain control. It is a defense against accepting one's own sense of impotence. This helplessness may be the most painful dimension of a beloved child's death. Anger must be vented and burned out before we can, or in order for us to, get close to our helplessness. Our impotence to change the event needs to be accepted.” So what am I going to do about it? Pray for forgiveness and pray that God will release this emotion from me. It's not fair to me, or anyone else. Hope this helps any other grieving mommas out there!! Love, Meg On Gabe's fifth angel-versary I decided to make a video about his life, including some of my favorite pictures. You can view it under my videos on my Facebook account:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=265719756854&saved Somebody has to let me know if this link doesn't work... Hey guys. Thought I'd give an update NOT on the 21st, since those days are usually hard for me. I have to say, I think Kyle and I are doing very well. I am officially off all meds, and have been relying on God's strength to get me through each day. Wow, that'll bring you closer to him!
We still have our moments of sadness, sometimes because of a trigger, sometimes for no reason at all. We visit Gabe's gravesite and talk to him. We talk to Joel about his younger brother. And, we praise God for our "sons." Which, always brings a smile on my face. For me, one of the hardest things that has come up since the sadness has lifted, has been the feeling of guilt. You feel like you need to do certain things on certain days at certain times, to honor your lossed loved one. But, it's not always possible. And sometimes you think you should be bawling, but the tears aren't coming, and you get angry for not showing an emotion. But, God is allowing me to be content in my life, exactly where I'm at. Which, I think, is the greatest goal. One thing that has helped with this guilty feeling, has been a present from my amazing husband. He made an 18 month calendar for me, full of pictures of ONLY Gabe. Now everyday when I'm on the computer, I can look over and gush over my angel baby. What an amazing, thoughtful thing. I hope that my other Potter's Mommas are starting to feel a little better, themselves. This is so hard, but it does get easier. We will NEVER get over the loss of our babies, but we will learn to live with the blessings God has granted us. And, let us never forget, we will see them again one day. For me, that is the greatest comfort in all of this. So, just so ya'll know... I can view stats on my website... Turns out 60 people viewed my website the day before I posted my last blog, when there was nothing new updated. And yesterday, it was viewed over 200 times. Wow! I love knowing that so many people are following my journey. I hope it's helpful to all! Don't hesitate to add a comment and show me some love, cause you know I'd love it!!
Well, I thought I'd end 2009 with some reflections on this past year. I really thought today would be sad for me because moving into 2010 would mean leaving the year that my angel was born. But, I'm feeling pretty good today. I have so much to be thankful for and I think I have finally come to the place where I would like to put my grief behind me. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more moping around being depressed. Yes, 2009 was the toughest year of my entire life, but it's time to start over.
So, let's relfect, shall we? This year was most difficult because I learned of my baby's fatal diagnosis on April 29th. I had to go another sixteen weeks carrying my second child, knowing that he would leave this Earth shortly after, if not before, his birth. Being pregnant was not emotionally easy. It was difficult to cherish every moment, every movement. It was hard not to be mad or devestated. I think in many ways my mind battled with my heart, in an effort to protect it. You want to be as attached to your baby as possible, because the fatality of your child doesn't make him any less yours. But, you subconsciously, I guess, try not to become too attached because you know the reality of the way this is going to end. Birthing my son was also emotionally difficult. I think my last four weeks were the longest, just waiting for the day I'd actually go into labor. Potter's statistics told me that the average week of gestation for labor was thirty-two weeks. Therefore making my mind crazy with just when and where the birth would take place. I cried the moment I realized "this was it." I cried when I was checking myself into the hospital. I cried during contractions, not because of the pain, but because of the cold realization that today would be the day that my baby dies. Yes, it was the day I'd get to meet him, but it was hard to concentrate on the good. But the good things that happened were plentiful. I made the best decision of my life realizing I would carry Gabe to term. I now know that Gabe understands my unconditional love for him because of the decision my husband and I made. That gives me much comfort. I am also very thankful that I was even able to meet my lil man - alive! I was able to spend two glorious hours with him, studying him, figuring out which features came from me, which from my husband. And, on top of that, most of my family got to meet Gabe, too! That days hold precious memories that will not soon be forgotten. This past year also brought my husband and I even closer. We were warned on many occasions that when couples go through something like this, it either brings them together, or forces them apart. I am happy to say that Gabe made me love my husband even more. It also solidified my faith, and the faith of my family and friends. What a blessing. Throughout 2009 I have been able to watch Joel grow into a curious toddler. I have mended and restored a broken relationship with my father. I have learned many things about life, death, and my precious savior. I am staring the new year without self-pity, grief and depression. It is time to move on and let go of the pain. Gabe will never be forgotten, and I will concentrate on the fact that each day that goes by, brings me closer to the day I will be reunited with him again. I pray that all my Potter's Mommas will find joy and comfort in the new year. We all have much to be thankful for, and this will be where we find our joy. Much love, Meg I am only typing so that I might feel better by getting my emotions out. I am so sad. I miss Gabe so much that it physically hurts. I have been weeping too long this evening and I just want to feel better. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I want to watch him sleeping. I want to be able to see Joel give him kisses. I want my whole family, complete with my two boys. I want to be exhausted because I've been up feeding my son, not because I'm emotionally drained. I ache.
I hate enduring this pain and hope that a bigger purpose will be made known to me someday. I know I am showing others how to have faith in hard times, but I just want to have my baby. So many people tell me how much Joel looks like Kyle, but on a daily basis I see myself in him. He has my heartshaped face, my expressive eyebrows, and my complextion. His eyes get red when he's tired or upset. It just makes me wonder what Gabe would be looking like now. I think he looked so much like me. He had my nose. My exact nose is on that little boy's face. He would have been four months old this coming Monday. Getting chubby, I'm sure. I just miss him. Ok, done venting. Night, all! I hope it will help you understand...
MY NEW “NORMAL” Author Unknown Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family’s life. Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine’s Day, July 4th and Easter. Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he is my baby’s age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen. Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone’s eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my “normal”. Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and her birthday and survive these days. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special that my baby would have loved, but how she is not here to enjoy it. Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby. Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better. Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you – it doesn’t compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. “God may have done this because…” I love God, I know that my baby is in heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother. Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your baby. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are “normal”. This month has been so crazy, but I wanted to get on here to vent and chat. We have had lots of Gabe memorial functions to attend lately, which has been nice, but difficult as well.
Our Labor of Love group had a Candlelight Service at a local church instead of our monthly meeting. Then, we attended the Washington County Hospitial's Tree of Lights Lighting Ceremony (not sure if that all needs to be in caps, but whatev) because my dear grandmother paid for a light to be lit in memory of Gabe. How precious is that? Then, this Friday there will be a Candlelight Walk in the cemetary where Gabe is buried. I guess because this is all so fresh and new for us, these events have been quite exhasting for Kyle and I. Add to this, a new baby has been born in our close circle of friends. It's the weirdest thing - feeling so happy for the very deserving couple, but so sad that we have lost our own baby. They are now the proud parents of a gorgeous daughter, a precious bundle of joy to love and cherish forever. But, this unfortunately is just a reminder that we should also have a baby right now. We, too, deserve our precious little man to cherish. As some of you know, my nephew was born the day after Gabe arrived and left this Earth. While I was pregnant, I was so upset at the thought that he would be a constant reminder to me of where my Gabe would be developmentally. A good friend of mine mentioned that maybe I would have an extra close bond with my nephew because of how close he would be in age to my own son. At the time, I remember thinking, "Well, that's a nice thought." But, sure enough, that is exactly how I feel about my nephew. I have to hold him if I'm around him. It's the only thing I know to do. Hold that baby and rock him to sleep. As sad as it is, I love to cuddle him and see my amazing husband run after my firstborn and think to myself, "This is what it would be like if Gabe were here. This is how it should be." I have also been dealing with the births and deaths of other Potter's babies born to Potter's mommas, some of whom I have become very close to online. It has been lovely to get to know these ladies and help answer questions. And it is amazing to have these women when I need someone to understand the pain that I am feeling. But it is so hard to re-live my own experience when another momma has to give birth to an angel. It has made me wonder if I did enough with Gabe while he was here on this earth. Did I hold him long enough? Did I whisper that I loved him? I don't even remember. Should I have spent the night with him while I had the chance? I can't go back and change anything. I can only wait until I have him in my arms again. But the weight of these empty arms is overwhelming at times. (All us Potter's Mommas are hoping to be able to meet in person someday. Wouldn't that be amazing?) I guess I'm writing all this to say that my life is good right now, but it is hard. I have many things to be thankful for, many amazing people in my life surrounding me with love, but I still have a huge wound that I cannot mend. I am still so very sad for the loss of my son. Hello all! So, after my Hospice counseling session yesterday, I realized that I need to be blogging a lot more often! It really helps to get things out!
I think I haven't written since last time because I have become friends with other Potter's mommas and, I guess, I'm trying to protect them by only wanting to express positive thoughts. But, let's be honest, that's not very honest! Ha. So, I really want to get on here and express myself, regardless of how it may seem. Because, from what I've learned, grief is very much like a rollercoaster. You have your good days, and you have your bad days. Or like me, you have lots of mediocre days. You think we’re doing really well, and then BAM, you’re feeling awful again. And, that's okay. It's all okay, really. Because we're all different and will act and react in our own ways. Okay, enough of that... So, how am I doing? Well, I'm sad. A lot of the time. I miss my Gabey so very much. I hate that I don't have "my boys." I wish I had my little angel here on earth with me. He'd be three months now, starting to sleep through the night, if he was like his older brother. Joel has become very lovey, especially towards babies and other children. So, I think about how he'd be as on older brother, giving Gabey sweet kisses. I go to Gabe’s gravesite and I talk to him. And I make sure that his stone is cleaned off and that everything looks nice. And that does help. Because, that’s really all I have. The good news: As sad as I am, I can totally see how I’ve improved. I don’t wake up and have Gabe’s loss as my first thought. I don’t cry everytime I tell a stranger about him. I am no longer grossly afraid of getting pregnant again. In fact, I think that having another healthy baby will be the closest thing to closure that I will have. Now, let’s all start praying that God gives me a baby girl! J Hello friends! It is with much happiness that I report that I am doing so much better than I was at the two month point! I didn't go into detail last month, but I pretty much cried off and on for three days straight. The 21st snuck up on me and I found myself unable to cope. But, on November 21st, I handled myself beautifully, spending the day with Joel and Kyle, and later we all visited Gabriel's gravesite. Both Kyle and I felt at peace that day, and the days surrounding this anniversary. We each took turns praying to Gabe while the other one chased Joel around the cemetary. It was a good day.
Kyle was just teaching Bible Study from Philiappians chapter four last night and we discussed having the peace that Paul writes about in verse seven, "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." This sentence is right after the verse about giving all your worries to the Lord, that we are not to be anxoius about anything. Well, Kyle and I truly feel like we have that peace. That peace which most people cannot understand. And the only way we cannot explain it is through Jesus. We would not have this peace if we were not certain that Gabe was in Heaven right now with Jesus. We would have anxiety and worry in our hearts, wondering if we'll ever see our baby again. If we'll ever hold our baby again. But, even though we still have sad days, we fully understand that we will once again be with Gabriel. And that gives our hearts a much needed rest... I just finished Gabe's first scrapbook, from start to finish, in two hours! I am so proud of myself and am feeling so positive and productive. It made me think that I should tell others about some of the things that I've found most helpful since losing my son...
1. Join an infant loss support group, even starting while you're still pregnant. 2. Do individual and/or couples counseling through your local Hospice. 3. Look into medications, if necessary, and do not feel guilty about it! 4. Creat a website, start a journal, or find another outlet to express your emotions. 5. Print off your baby's pictures and put them in a pretty album/frames. 6. Choose your favorite pictures to put in a scrapbook to share with friends. 7. FInd other moms who have their own angels - connect with someone who understands. 8. Cry. Whenever you feel like it. Cry. 9. Download music that reminds you of your angel and listen to it for comfort. 10. Visit your angel's gravesite, make it look attractive, order your gravemarker. 11. FInd peace and comfort in the arms of Jesus. 12. Surround yourself with positive family and friends, who will be an encouragement. 13. Talk to your spouse/loved ones about your feelings. It helps to get it out! 14. Begin thinking about rituals and traditions you'd like to start to remember your angel. 15. Honor your angel by feeling comfortable enough to talk about him or her. Even if the pain is intense right now, it will get better with time. Soon, you'll be able to talk about your baby with happiness in your voice, instead of extreme sorrow. Remember: You will never get over it. You will simply discover your "new normal." -Meg My online friend, Pamela, is getting close to delivery. She is also pregnant with a Potter's baby who will pass away shortly after (if not before) birth. Please say a prayer for her and lift her up as she is getting very close to meeting her own special angel. HUGS, Pamela!
Sorry for the constant background changes. I am a perfectionist and I also love change, so there's your explanation! I felt like the blog was way too narrow and it was annoying for me to read, so I was only thinking of you!! Plus, there's sooo many backgrounds to choose from, I could do this all day! Seriously though, I think I'm happy with it now, so hopefully it'll be like this for longer than a few days. :) -Meg
I still struggle with the knowledge that some people cannot comprehend why I carried my son to term. And I want to address that now, for me and for you. So, if you do not agree, or you do not understand, I am hoping this will help shine some light.
First of all, a loss is a loss is a loss. And I would be a grieving mother if I miscarried at six weeks, or if I chose to induce my labor at 20 weeks, or if I carried Gabriel to term. Losing my baby would be a loss to me, at any point. I am not saying that losing a baby by miscarriage is equal to having to bury your infant, but that brings me to my next thought… My second point is that it was not my decision to make. Coming to realization was difficult because the human part of me wanted out of the pain, wanted it all to be over as soon as possible. But I had my wits enough about me to know that no matter what decision I made, it was going to hurt me for a long time. The mother part of me knew that I had felt my baby move inside of me. How could I make a decision to end my own baby’s life? A baby that was very much alive and well inside me, even if he wouldn’t be after he was delivered. And my third point is that being able to carry Gabriel to term allowed me to grieve the loss of my son. I have a face to remember. I have memories of his smell and the way he felt in my arms. I have a gravesite I can visit whenever I want to feel closer to him. I have tons of pictures and video to remind me of the day that I had him with me on this earth, and to give me the strength to wait to see him again in Heaven. And I am so very thankful to have all of this. There is absolutely no part of me that regrets the decision that I made. My hope is that I will be understood by those that mean the world to me. Some of you may be wondering why I even care to explain myself. It is my wish that my child will not be forgotten. I will be remembering him in as many ways as I can and will be celebrating the time I had with him on important holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. It is my desire that through understanding Gabriel’s importance to me, others will also understand my hope to keep him memory alive. It's been a minute since I last wrote, and since I'm in a good mood, I thought I'd reflect on this past year.
Every Christmas at my mother's house we write down dreams/hopes/prayers for the next year. So every year we get to read last year's list and write a new list of goals for the upcoming year. A few days ago I was trying to think about what might be on my list from last Christmas. Specifically, would I have to face any hopes I had written about Gabriel and then it occurred to me that we didn’t even know about Gabriel last Christmas. In fact, at our first ultrasound, we were told that we probably conceived him on Christmas day. It is mind blowing to me that in one year’s time I got pregnant with Gabriel, carried him for nine months, labored for weeks, held him for hours, and prepared his funeral. In less than one year I went from carrying my son to burying my son. I am literally sitting here with both tremendous disbelief and despair that my baby would have been two months old today. He would have been starting to smile... I have a lot of other thoughts, but will spare you all. Instead I will post some lyrics to Steven Curtis Chapman's "With Hope." He wrote the song after losing his own daughter in 2008:
This is not at all how We thought it was supposed to be We had so many plans for you We had so many dreams And now you've gone away And left us with the memories of your smile And nothing we can say And nothing we can do Can take away the pain The pain of losing you, but ... We can cry with hope We can say goodbye with hope 'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end, oh no And we can grieve with hope 'Cause we believe with hope (There's a place by God's grace) There's a place where we'll see your face again We'll see your face again And never have I known Anything so hard to understand And never have I questioned more The wisdom of God's plan But through the cloud of tears I see the Father's smile and say well done And I imagine you Where you wanted most to be Seeing all your dreams come true 'Cause now you're home And now you're free, and ... We have this hope as an anchor 'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true, so ... We wait with hope And we ache with hope We hold on with hope We let go with hope |
Author: Meghan
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