Ahhh, blogging is so difficult! I am trying desperately to be honest and transparent, as well as guard my loved ones and not put anyone's "stuff" out there but my own. I want to make sure that this journaling process helps me heal, but I find myself spending more time editing my own words than I do getting my words out. Why? Fear. Fear of putting too much out there, fear of being judged, fear of looking like I'm losing it, fear of looking like I'm not relying enough on God, fear of remembering too much, fear of really letting go.
Today has been a sad day for me. Most Fridays are sad because Gabe was born on a Friday. In child loss circles you hear about how difficult certain anniversaries can be, but I never thought I'd have one on a weekly basis! I find myself putting up so many guards, so many walls, to protect my heart. We have a huge 11x20 picture of Gabriel in our bedroom that was blown up for the funeral and I have sort of told myself that it's a picture of Joel as a newborn... And I find myself not looking at all the other photos that we had blown up that are now on our mantle in the living room. And all the cards have been tucked away with everything from the hospital, as well as the death certificate, in a bag in our bedroom, for me to sort through "when I have the strength on a good day." Well, who knows when that day will come! I'm sure all of this is still in the realm of normal, and this is just how I'm coping with this for this stage, but there is tremendous guilt that comes with the realization of the avoidance. There. I said it.
It's easy to feel guilty about a lot of things when you are going through a grieving process. I feel bad when I say I am doing "well" instead of just "ok" when I am asked. But sometimes I want to spare the other person the reality of this side of things. And when someone asks you how you're doing, it's not always polite to answer "shitty."
And here's some more guilt. I feel I must round out this entry with a nice ending about how great our God is... So, I will list off all the things that did go right with this awful situation and it will make us all feel better! :)
-Gabe was born alive
-Gabe lived for two hours
-Gabe was absolutely beautiful
-Gabe opened up his eyes
-Gabe made adorable little noises, as well as two cries
-Gabe is happy and healthy in Heaven now with Jesus
-Gabe moved from transverse to breech
-We did not have to have a c-section
-The nurses, midwives, doctors and staff were amazing
-Joel got to meet his little brother
-All of Gabe's grandparents got to hold him alive
-Gabe's great-grandmother got to hold him alive
-Gabe's amazing Uncle Brandon got to meet him alive
-Gabe's amazing Aunt Ashleigh got to meet him alive
-Gabe's story has touched many lives
-Two more Potter's babies were not terminated because of this website!!
-My marriage is stronger because of this experience
-Gabe's death was not in vain, glory was brought to God