Wow. It feels weird blogging today. I really can't believe it has been seven months! For my sanity, I try not to think about what Gabe would look like or what he would be doing at each month, but on angelversaries, sometimes it's hard not to. Maybe starting to crawl? Looking more like Joel? Or maybe even ME!!?? I wonder if (or how) I will recognize him when I get to Heaven. Will he show me around? Will he stay a newborn for me to cuddle and snuggle, or will he be a handsome young man? I know no one knows, but it's fun to dream.
Today has been so great so far, emotionally speaking. I haven't felt despair or depression. There is nothing I can do to bring my baby back, so I am left to just look ahead and learn to live my life without him. Not to "get over it." But, to constantly be aware of my new normal. It is so comforting to know that my heart doesn't ache today. Yes, there will be bad days. Yes, there will be something that will trigger my sadness out of nowhere. (Why is the new assistant on The Office named Gabriel??!!!) Maybe even tomorrow - but, for today I am feeling pretty okay. I went to Gabe's gravesite today and took a picture of how it is decorated for spring. As only another grieving mom would understand, this is one of the few things that we can do to feel like we are "taking care" of our lost ones. This time I went shopping with my lovely mother-in-law. We carefully visited many stores, looking for just the right thing to honor our baby for the season. I never want his site to look junky, but I want it to show that it is the honored space for a very loved little boy. We found pretty things and playful things. I think it looks absolutely perfect. Wishing you all a Happy Spring!
carrie
3/21/2010 01:56:43 pm
Constantly aware of your new normal.... I like that way you put that. We will absolutely NEVER get over what happened to our babies, but the day the new normal feels normal is a day to be celebrated! I can't believe it's been that long. I only heard about you after Gabe was gone, but it feels like I've been following your story a lot longer than I have. You give me hope that things will get better if you just keep moving forward. Someone on a babycenter.com board I visit wrote that she doesn't look at things like "one step back". She imagines benches on the road of life that you can sit and rest on to catch your breath before moving on. I like this picture. I see a row of benches for me! Benches that I scoot along cuz walking is too hard.
Brittany
3/21/2010 07:17:28 pm
It doesn't look junky, it looks beautiful!!! I'm sorry I didn't text you yesterday morning, but I was thinking of you all day and I'm so glad it was okay. He IS very loved...by more than you'll ever know :)
Kimberly Jensen
3/22/2010 06:06:02 am
Meghan-Have you ever seen the sculpture of Michelangelo's Pieta? It's Mary holding Jesus after his death. It's beautiful. With one hand she is holding tight and with the other she is letting go. A pain only a mother can know. I just looked through your pictures today and you and Gabe remind me of Mary with Jesus in this classic piece of art. There are so many parallels! You've walked this road so faithfully!
Anna Hammontree
3/23/2010 04:18:36 am
It is an honor to be able to read your blog and it truly blesses me everytime I do. I am overwhelmed by your continued faith and was so happy to read that you were having such a wonderful day tear free. Gabe's gravesite is absolutely precious!!! I love you so much my dear Meghan. Comments are closed.
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Author: Meghan
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