This month has been so crazy, but I wanted to get on here to vent and chat. We have had lots of Gabe memorial functions to attend lately, which has been nice, but difficult as well.
Our Labor of Love group had a Candlelight Service at a local church instead of our monthly meeting. Then, we attended the Washington County Hospitial's Tree of Lights Lighting Ceremony (not sure if that all needs to be in caps, but whatev) because my dear grandmother paid for a light to be lit in memory of Gabe. How precious is that? Then, this Friday there will be a Candlelight Walk in the cemetary where Gabe is buried. I guess because this is all so fresh and new for us, these events have been quite exhasting for Kyle and I.
Add to this, a new baby has been born in our close circle of friends. It's the weirdest thing - feeling so happy for the very deserving couple, but so sad that we have lost our own baby. They are now the proud parents of a gorgeous daughter, a precious bundle of joy to love and cherish forever. But, this unfortunately is just a reminder that we should also have a baby right now. We, too, deserve our precious little man to cherish.
As some of you know, my nephew was born the day after Gabe arrived and left this Earth. While I was pregnant, I was so upset at the thought that he would be a constant reminder to me of where my Gabe would be developmentally. A good friend of mine mentioned that maybe I would have an extra close bond with my nephew because of how close he would be in age to my own son. At the time, I remember thinking, "Well, that's a nice thought." But, sure enough, that is exactly how I feel about my nephew. I have to hold him if I'm around him. It's the only thing I know to do. Hold that baby and rock him to sleep. As sad as it is, I love to cuddle him and see my amazing husband run after my firstborn and think to myself, "This is what it would be like if Gabe were here. This is how it should be."
I have also been dealing with the births and deaths of other Potter's babies born to Potter's mommas, some of whom I have become very close to online. It has been lovely to get to know these ladies and help answer questions. And it is amazing to have these women when I need someone to understand the pain that I am feeling. But it is so hard to re-live my own experience when another momma has to give birth to an angel. It has made me wonder if I did enough with Gabe while he was here on this earth. Did I hold him long enough? Did I whisper that I loved him? I don't even remember. Should I have spent the night with him while I had the chance? I can't go back and change anything. I can only wait until I have him in my arms again. But the weight of these empty arms is overwhelming at times. (All us Potter's Mommas are hoping to be able to meet in person someday. Wouldn't that be amazing?)
I guess I'm writing all this to say that my life is good right now, but it is hard. I have many things to be thankful for, many amazing people in my life surrounding me with love, but I still have a huge wound that I cannot mend. I am still so very sad for the loss of my son.