I have started a new habit.
I've always said that I love Facebook for praying purposes. I've gotten good at searching for people in need of prayer, and as soon as I read that status update, or that email, or that little cry for help - I stop what I'm doing and lift that person up in prayer. Well, recently a passage of scripture has been ringing in my ears - "Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I will be." That's found in the book of Matthew, the 18th chapter, verse 20. So, just now, my hubby is on my heart. I know that school's almost over and that both he and his kids are getting restless. I walked over to Joel, got down on his level and said, "Would you like to pray for Daddy with me?" "YES!" And I picked him up, put him on my lap, and he repeated every heartfelt sentence that we lifted up to our Heavenly Father. Praying WITH Joel has made me feel like the Spirit of God has just entered my home. I would love to encourage you to do the same!
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Our precious Zoe is now eight months old. This baby has brought our family so much joy, so much healing. She has been the closest thing to closure that we feel like we've had since our giant loss of sweet Gabriel. She is so happy, always beaming. She's very into eating and trying new foods now, and we can no longer enjoy a meal around her without offering her a little something. She's very close to crawling, but is definitely getting herself around a room already! She says "dada" all day long and whenever her Daddy walks in the room. She has also said - mama, doggie, and hi -although not everyone believes me, haha. Enjoy these pictures of our Zoe girl!!
I love to talk to Joel about his brother, Gabe. I wouldn't ever want him to hear about him from someone else, and to think, "Why didn't anyone ever tell me I had a brother?" So, we keep photos of Gabriel around our house and love to hear just how Joel remembers things we've told him about Gabe's short life.
The other day, Kyle was feeling sad, so I simply explained to Joel that sometimes Daddy is sad because he misses Gabe. And sometimes Mommy gets sad, because she misses Gabe. Joel just sat there and thought for a second and then spoke up, "I have an idea! Why don't we all just go up to Heaven to be with him??" So, tonight as I'm getting Joel ready for bed, I asked him if he remembered his brother's name... Joel: Yes, Gabe. Me: That's right. And where is he? Joel: In Heaven. Me: Yes, he is. And do you know why? Joel: (Thinks for a minute...) Because he is with Jesus, and they love us. Me: (Stunned after that short and simple explanation...) If anyone ever asks you where your brother is, you can tell them that he is in Heaven, and he's not here with us because Gabe was very sick. Joel: Momma, is Gabe a baby or a big boy? Me: (Trying to decide how to answer...) He was a baby when he left us to go to Heaven, so he is a baby. Joel: Well, when we bring him to OUR house, he'll be a big boy. I was too stunned to continue our conversation. Wow. Well, yes he will. When we are reunited with Gabe, we will all be in Heaven. And the bible talks about having a glorious home there. What a nice picture - my entire family, together, forever. So after a romantic dinner with my amazing hubby, we decided to head over to Target and the surrounding stores. Just a few moments into our adventure, I take a look around, notice all the St. Patty's Day and Spring decorations and realize that I haven't decorated Gabriel's gravesite since Christmas. I cannot even describe into words the amount of guilt that came flooding in. Kyle assured me that we would take some time to shop and devote some much needed time to our son... A few days later I walked back into the store and the delightful trip I had imagined quickly turned into the reality that I was trying to find the perfect objects for my son's GRAVE. I watched other happy people looking and gathering items and just wanted to walk up to them and say, "Oh, what's that for? Probably something a lot less sad than a gravesite." I know. Mature. I ended up choosing a few things for my Gabey baby and then made the quick decision that I also needed to spruce up my back porch area. This, obviously, was just a way to stop the more difficult task I found myself in. Here's what we ended up creating, something I was very happy with: Found a cute little Easter rabbit, a flag with a tie-wearing boy bunny, and a precious pastel-colored bell wreath to hang near his flag. There were some St. Patty's beads left from a friend, along with some toys for my little man. Okay, so back to the shopping trip... I start looking around for decorative items for our back porch area. I'm having a blast (cause it's so much more fun than what I WAS doing) and I'm trying to figure out what kind of "theme" to go with. Oh decisions, decisions. After much thought, and acquiring input from the hubby, I decided that birds would be a precious theme. Decided to get a hanging sign above our bench: And some pretty garland perfectly placed around the bench, and a handsome perched bird to go on our side table... And as I started assembling all my decorations, I realized that my chosen theme was PERFECT. The only piece of Gabey I have sitting on my back porch - a white ceramic angel... holding what?? A tiny bird.... Couldn't be happier with my finished product...
I have updated a certain portion of this website... Check out the "Videos" tab above!!
Since many of you have been asking about my headaches, I thought I'd just write a blog and direct people here...
History: I started getting migraines in 2003, after I returned home from Hawaii, so I've been dealing with them for nine years now. They have morphed into daily chronic headaches, with a really bad migraine occurring about every two months. I have been asked by many if they are hormone related (because they did improve during my pregnancies with Joel and Gabe, although not Zoe), but because they occur so often, it's been difficult to figure out any triggers, including hormone balances. Doctors: I have literally sought help from any medical professional I thought would help. I've seen two neurologists, and have had several MRIs. I've seen an ENT to see if it was related to my deviated septum or my sinuses, and have undergone allergy testing with a specialist. I spent months with a chiropractor, and visited an acupuncture MD who didn't think the treatments would help at all. A few months ago I saw a spine/pain specialist who told me my spine was straight and not curved like it should be, and that I had developed arthritis in my upper spine. I went through the pain of trigger point injections in his office, and because my headache disappeared, we agreed a spinal injection would be beneficial. After that procedure, my headaches improved 50 percent, resulting in pain every other day, instead of everyday. My doctor said the procedure was successful if I had a 30 percent improvement, but my insurance didn't cover it all so we decided it was too expensive, and too invasive, for such little improvement. Now: My latest theory is that my headaches may be related to my TMJ. I was given braces, like most kids in middle school, because my bite wasn't perfect and because I had TMJ. But, it recently occurred to me that I must still have TMJ because I grind my teeth at night as well as anytime I'm stressed during my waking hours. I did a little research and realized that most cases of TMJ go undiagnosed and are often misdiagnosed as migraines because the pain starts in your face muscles/jaw and go down the neck, causing chronic pain. Hello!! This might be the ticket! So, I met with my dentist yesterday and she seemed astonished at how bad my TMJ actually was, informing me that my jaw clicks both when I open and close my mouth, and that in certain severe cases, your bite will actually shift depending on whether your mouth is open or closed - like mine. So, I was fit for a mouth guard I will wear at night. She explained that the muscles in your face that are affected are very strong and that she could tell by looking at me that I clench these muscles often, as they were more prominent on my face compared to others. Then she assured me that I was beautiful, but that it was obvious to her because she looks at faces all day. Thanks. Please, please, please pray that I have finally found my solution. I pick up my oh-so-attractive mouth guard tomorrow and she said I will have a period of about two weeks that may be tough. I've been instructed to go to sleep with a heating pad and warm compresses on both sides of my face, and to avoid chewy foods. I will keep you all updated!! :) So, yesterday was the first time we ever put Zoe in our church's nursery. She did really well, I however did not. I was anxious all morning just thinking about dropping her off, leaving her in someone else's care, being away from me.
I spent a lot of time praying, asking God to calm my heart. I dropped her off, explained that I was a crazy Momma who was worked up about leaving her, and not to hesitate to have me come get her when she, inevitably, freaked out when she realized her entire world was not within ten feet of her. It was nice to be able to get my coffee and not have to try to juggle it all. But, as soon as the worship started, the tears started. I was singing and crying, and crying and singing. So I took a moment to reflect... Was I was upset about leaving Zoe because she's my little girl - precious in every way, or because she's my rainbow baby - and I'm overprotective of her, always fearful that something may happen to her... Through the tears I started to wonder if God wasn't calming my heart because my mommy instinct was telling me to run and go get my little girl, or if I just wasn't letting go. And then it occurred to me, through all these racing thoughts, that I was actually allowing myself to worship for the first time in a long time. I wasn't preoccupied with staring at my sweet Zoe, but I was actually praising God - for the present moment I was in, and everything He has done for me. So I took a deep breath and prayed a little prayer - God, please calm my heart. Take this anxiety from me unless I really am supposed to get up and check on my little girl. And like a gust of wind, the negative lurking feelings disappeared. I was only left with contentment and I realized what a gift it was to be able to praise my Creator, without any distractions. Thought I'd show my bloggers the finished product of the star tattoo I was talking about a few days ago. Enjoy this picture of me lounging in front of our fireplace on a lazy Saturday...
I woke up this morning with another headache. It's so exhausting, mentally and phsycially, to have chronic daily pain. As I laid in bed listening to my kids start to wake, I thought of Gabriel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that not a day goes by that I don't think about him, but on special days like holidays, he's usually my first thought. I try not to have "what if he was here" thoughts, but there's just no denying that there's a piece of my heart missing. So, what's a grieving gal to do?? Gather the kids, put them in cute red clothing and take their picture! I told Joel to go upstairs and grab his "Gabey Bear" so that he could be incorporated into the photo as well. Enjoy this picture of my little ones. All of our LOVE, from here and ABOVE. And here's a Valentine's Card I made two years ago, in 2010. My little man is getting so big!
Striving to be content in all things. It's a decision I have to make every single day. Thankful for the two beautiful children I have on this earth, but oh so sad for the two waiting for the rest of our family in Heaven.
Kyle and I have been reading "Heaven is For Real," and decided to buy the kid's version of the same book for Joel and Zoe to read. I highly recommend both. The book is about a little boy who visits Heaven during a near death experience, and he explains it the only way he knows how, like an innocent child. One of the most profound things he shares with his family is that he met his little sister, a child his mother miscarried - something that they had never even shared with him. It's made me think so much about the baby I miscarried in July of 2010. I think since then, I've really emotionally dismissed that loss because it felt so insignificant compared to the loss of Gabriel, who was full-term, born alive, and died in our arms over the course of two hours. But if I believe that life begins at conception, there is another life that was lost and is now with Gabriel. Gabriel is experiencing Heaven with his sibling! Why have I never thought of all of this before? I remember a friend of mine explained that she always "felt" the baby she miscarried was a boy, and that she named him. In the book, the little boy shares that his sister in Heaven didn't have a name, because his parents never gave her one. I'm now comfortable enough emotionally to share that I always felt my first July baby was a girl. And I have decided her name is Mercy, because she escaped the hardness of this life by the grace of God. Somehow, I've found more healing since giving her a name. And I can't wait until Friday, when I celebrate turning 30 by having three more stars added to the top of my foot - four stars total to symbolize the four children I have. Reading the bible with Joel the other night really solidified my decision to honor my children in this way. Genesis 15:5 reads, The the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, "Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. This is how many descendants you will have!" |
Meghan
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