Although I may no longer sound sane, I'd like to share something with my readers. As much as I miss my Gabe, and as often as I think of him, I've never so much as had a dream about him. But, the other week, I had what I'll call an encounter...
Kyle came home from work, exhausted. He came into the living room and sat beside me on the couch. I was holding Zoe in my arms, leaning her against the pillow on my left, and I could feel Kyle on my right, as he put his head back and took a much needed nap after a busy day. Joel was sleeping soundly upstairs. I figured since everyone around me was sleeping, I'd go ahead and shut my eyes too. A few minutes later, still very much awake, I had a distinct feeling that the gap between Zoe on the left side of my lap, and Kyle touching the right side of my body, was now occupied. It felt like I had my baby on my left, my husband on my right, and snuggled in between was my Gabriel.
Even as I type this, it brings me to tears. It was a very concrete sensation. For just a moment, I know that Gabriel's spiritual presence was with me. I felt like my entire family was together in that moment.
Call me crazy, but I hope it happens again soon...
This is one of those blog entries that I write just to get stuff out - thoughts out of my head, emotions out of my heart. I'm hoping to feel better by the time I stop typing.
I would say that about 80% of the time, I think about losing Gabriel (or any other heartbreaking event in someone's life) and I have understanding behind the "why." I, unlike God, am not all-knowing, but I have a sense of explanation - that this world is temporary and that anything that happens on this earth that draws us closer to God is "worth it," dare I say. Because if you are a Christian then you believe in eternal life, and you can comprehend why having an intimate relationship with our Savior is so amazing, so vital, so healing.
But there is that 20% of the time when I hear about some tragic loss and I am just mad. Just heartbroken. Questioning why, yelling "Seriously?" Last week I found out that a mother from my birth board on BabyCenter lost her baby. The child was with a sitter and was put down for a nap on her tummy. I bawled all afternoon. I guess because it was an in-your-face reminder that any of my children can be taken from me at anytime. Zoe isn't safe at ten weeks. Joel isn't safe at 3 years old. And people don't understand why I'm a self professed "over protective" Momma. I've felt death. I've buried a baby. I've seen the smallest coffin they can make. I know what that deep ache feels like. I remember how empty your arms can feel.
I guess what I have to remind myself is that life isn't fair. And no one ever said it was going to be easy. And even though one moment you can be feeling so incredibly blessed by the children God has given you, ultimately they are all His. We as parents are only taking care of them temporarily. And, not only did God never promise that this life would be easy, but He warned that it would be really hard.