I have had too many thoughts in my head recently about this subject, and wasn't sure the platform to use to express them all. But, when you have your own blog, that seems to be the best place.
Reflecting on the past ten months since we met and buried Gabriel has been a difficult process. I have had so many conflicts with people and I have finally dissected each one and come to a conclusion. The common thread throughout each encounter was my desire to be an advocate and say what everyone else was thinking, but not saying (or saying to me, but not anyone else). It has been a difficult role to play, which made me question why I continue to do it. It may be the social work degree which taught me advocacy and fueled my passionate personality, it may be my past abusive relationship making me want to voice my opion through screaming and protect loved ones, but it may be the experience of losing my son which made me realize how short this life is, and that we all just need to get on with it.
If you're reading this thinking, "Hmm, is she talking about me?" Maybe. But, rest assured, I'm also talking about heated discussions with at least five other people.
I've spend so much time this past week thinking about this, discussing it with Kyle, and, per his advice, praying over it. God has opened my eyes to the person I am. At almost 30 years old, 28 to be exact, I am figuring out who I am. Some of you may not like me because of it, but more people have given me praise for it.
We heard a guest speaker at our church the other month make a statement about "doing what you love." He said if you can't figure out what would make you "come alive," think about what really angers you. Yep, that's it. Cause we all know I've been angry lately. And that completely lines up with what I haven't been able to filter. Cause we all know I have no filter.
So, I am passionate. I am not compliant. I am sensitive and tender-hearted. I am not willing to be stepped on. I am mad about this fallen world and the broken people who suffer because of it. I am happier when I focus on others, and not myself. I am calmer after being around my hubby. Oh, thank you Jesus for Kyle.
But, I think the most important thing I've realized from this little self-discovery mission, is that I can be all those things, but I also have to be LOVING. I also have to allow Jesus to shine through me. I may not always have to use a filter, but I can wait on God's timing. Because, let's face it, there's not a reward in Heaven for the person who can voice everyone else's opinion. But if there was...
"I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am."
-John Newton, writer of Amazing Grace