I am only typing so that I might feel better by getting my emotions out. I am so sad. I miss Gabe so much that it physically hurts. I have been weeping too long this evening and I just want to feel better. I want to hold my baby in my arms. I want to watch him sleeping. I want to be able to see Joel give him kisses. I want my whole family, complete with my two boys. I want to be exhausted because I've been up feeding my son, not because I'm emotionally drained. I ache.
I hate enduring this pain and hope that a bigger purpose will be made known to me someday. I know I am showing others how to have faith in hard times, but I just want to have my baby.
So many people tell me how much Joel looks like Kyle, but on a daily basis I see myself in him. He has my heartshaped face, my expressive eyebrows, and my complextion. His eyes get red when he's tired or upset. It just makes me wonder what Gabe would be looking like now. I think he looked so much like me. He had my nose. My exact nose is on that little boy's face. He would have been four months old this coming Monday. Getting chubby, I'm sure. I just miss him. Ok, done venting. Night, all!