I don't know if you know this about me, but I am one of those people who wears her emotion on her sleeve. If I am not doing well, I literally cannot hide it. I'm not a faker. This can be so nice, it makes me genuine and real. It also enables my husband to know the exact moment to ask me the last time I've had a quiet time. When I am not spending time with Jesus, it shows.
Partner my inability to act like I'm doing fine, with the selfishness that I think we all get consumed with, and I'm not doing too hot. And, it's obvious apparently. I've been struggling so much with this idea of selfishness and I've decided that it's definitely from this world. When you are apart from Christ, it's the most natural place to be - in the "all about me" world. But, what I've realized is that I kinda got thrown into selfish thinking when I was in the middle of my grief, which began right after getting Gabe's diagnosis. I think this happens for two main reasons: 1, You literally cannot understand how and why the world is continuing to go on when you're in the middle of your darkest hour. 2, Those who love you are constantly asking you how you're doing. So, you're constantly thinking about you, and your emotions, and how you're doing, and why so-and-so ISN'T asking how you're doing, and why they suck, and why you are this biggest victim on this earth, etc etc etc...
I guess all this came back up when Nanny passed away. Once again people were concerned for me. I actually got quite a few sympathy cards, which totally shocked me. I forgot that people rally around you when you're in grief. My pastor just said recently that it doesn't matter who comes to your wedding, it will matter far more who supports you at a funeral. Wow, so true. Anyway, I feel consumed by my selfishness. I feel like I've lost the concept of grace. I'm not thinking of others. I'm not putting others before myself. I'm just thinking about me, me, me. I don't want to be here. I'm trying to pray my way out of this space.
So, that's it. I'm being raw and hoping that you will support me with loving words and compassionate empathy because you've been there before.