Hello all! So, after my Hospice counseling session yesterday, I realized that I need to be blogging a lot more often! It really helps to get things out!
I think I haven't written since last time because I have become friends with other Potter's mommas and, I guess, I'm trying to protect them by only wanting to express positive thoughts. But, let's be honest, that's not very honest! Ha. So, I really want to get on here and express myself, regardless of how it may seem. Because, from what I've learned, grief is very much like a rollercoaster. You have your good days, and you have your bad days. Or like me, you have lots of mediocre days. You think we’re doing really well, and then BAM, you’re feeling awful again. And, that's okay. It's all okay, really. Because we're all different and will act and react in our own ways. Okay, enough of that...
So, how am I doing? Well, I'm sad. A lot of the time. I miss my Gabey so very much. I hate that I don't have "my boys." I wish I had my little angel here on earth with me. He'd be three months now, starting to sleep through the night, if he was like his older brother. Joel has become very lovey, especially towards babies and other children. So, I think about how he'd be as on older brother, giving Gabey sweet kisses.
I go to Gabe’s gravesite and I talk to him. And I make sure that his stone is cleaned off and that everything looks nice. And that does help. Because, that’s really all I have.
The good news: As sad as I am, I can totally see how I’ve improved. I don’t wake up and have Gabe’s loss as my first thought. I don’t cry everytime I tell a stranger about him. I am no longer grossly afraid of getting pregnant again. In fact, I think that having another healthy baby will be the closest thing to closure that I will have. Now, let’s all start praying that God gives me a baby girl! J