It's so funny that realizing it's the 21st of any month can still make me sad. It's like I'm not expecting it, I check the date before writing an email or whatever and BAM, "It's the 21st?!" I couldn't tell you right now how many months Gabriel would be today. And I believe that's a good thing. I am pleased with myself that I am at least "moving on" by not obsessing over every milestone he would hit every month.
Now, I can just as easily sign into BabyCenter and figure it out. I could even go to my August 2009 group and read what other moms are dealing with at this point in their child's life. But, I don't do that.
What I did do recently was kinda fun, though. Our bible study was discussing the verse in Matthew 5, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I talked about the way those who mourn are comforted in this life, by having the hope and belief that we will be with our lossed loved ones again. Without overly thinking, I began talking about how I wouldn't know what Gabe would look like when I did actually get up there to see him, but that my grandmother described him as wise, so maybe he'd be a 21 inch tall little baby giving everyone Heaven tours. It made me smile, and it made Kyle beam. It was such a sweet thought.
So, today I thought I'd revisit that thought and go a bit further...
The Bible says that we will all have Heavenly bodies. What does that mean? That your Heavenly body is from your sexiest year? Like, Nanny. Will she look like a 20-something nurse, with curls in her hair, pink cheeks, and a bright smile? And me - my Heavenly body would obviously be me the year I got married: tan, the thinnest I've ever been, happy. But who's to say what our best year looked like? And then there's Gabe. He lived two hours. And he did look very different in that short amount of time, so my guess would be if he's up in Heaven looking like his best moment on earth, it would be close to when he first came out: plump, chubby cheeks, with full lips and his sweet angel face.
Is he spending his eternity being rocked by all the mommas who lost babies? Is he spending everyday as a two-hour-old infant? I can't even wrap my mind around it...
I can't imagine he would continue to "grow" up there and that he'd be how ever old he would have been had he stayed here with me. But what if he was older? What if his Heavenly body is that of a 20 year old young man? I have this strange "fantasy" that JC would allow me to watch some sort of slideshow of Gabe's life, so that I wouldn't feel like I missed out on anything. And me and Nan and all the other beautiful Heavenly people would just sit there on the most comfortable couch imaginable as we watched Gabe say his first word, take his first step, eat cake for the first time, etc. And it wouldn't contain earthly memories like his first day of school, or the first time someone made him cry, or the day his heart was broken. It would show him learning about Heaven, growing closer to Jesus, helping everyone around him, praising God through every minute. I imagine us all bawling our eyes out because the video would obviously be accompanied by really sad music. Maybe that's what it'll be like...