So, I'm reading "Choosing to See" by Mary Beth Chapman, wife to Steven Curtis Chapman. I have written about them before and his CD "Beauty Will Rise." They lost their daughter in 2008. I have read a lot of books on grief and loss, but I really connected with the way she describes how she felt, as a mom burying her child. By far, the part that touched me the most was how she described feeling carried through the grief at times:
"In the midst of our grief and struggles, we were also living with an experience of special grace...a sense of God's presence, as if the veil between the temporal and the eternal had been lifted. I believe this is because of the prayers... We felt a supernatural sense of God holding us. We had a heightened awareness of what really mattered, a clearer vision of eternal things that we normally could not see. We were desperate for God. The Bible was like oxygen for us as we searched for comfort within its pages." Kyle and I say all the time that while losing Gabe was horrifically painful and awful, we wouldn't change things because of the way his loss has brought us closer to God. That may be hard for some to understand, but I hope Mary Beth's words shed some light... Hello friends! Just wanted to update and share what a great week I'm having thus far. I realized that unless you readers actually see me regularly, you may think that I'm always having one heck of a time based on these blogs. But, the truth is that I vent via this website, or through a Facebook status, because I know that letting it out will help me AND that being honest about being sad means I will be lifted up in prayer. So, rest assured, I do have many many good days...
So, the strangest thing happened. I got an apology from the individual who said all those hurtful things to me the other week. Hmm. I don't know if it was all of your encouraging words, the threats of violence (ha), of the miracle of prayer, but something amazing happened. Just wanted you to know... The nice thing is that this means I am actually able to let this go. This was the 2 percent of negativity surrounding the birth and death of my son, and now it's over. I can once again begin concentrating on all the positive that Gabe brought to my life. I can bathe myself in all the enouragement and praise that we've received since day one. Just received this from a new friend, "I just wanted to send a quick message although I don't really have the words to express what I want to say. I spent yesterday morning reading your blogs and looking at your beautiful pictures and I was just very touched... It made me kiss my family a few more times and say I love you with a little more meaning. Just felt the need to let you know that and I really enjoyed meeting you. Thank you for sharing your experience with others, as hard as it might be, but knowing that you are helping others, strengthening family bonds, and bringing people closer to God." And then this earlier in the week from someone I just met, "I just read your entire web site, and as you know it is amazingly beautiful. You and your husband are inspirational, and I truly admire your love for the Lord and your desire to do His will. You have a beautiful family, and your son Gabe was so precious. You will see him again so very soon. I will be praying for you and I wish you the very best. You are definitely changing lives. I am sitting here crying my eyes out! haha I hope I get the chance to get to know you better!" And then this just today from a dear friend, "I can not find the words that I would like to say to you. You are an amazing person and I look at things differently and thankfully because I've meet you. Thanks for being such a loving person. You light up the room when you smile." I'm not trying to toot my own horn here. I'm trying to convey to you all just how much positive, loving encouragement I actually receive. I think it's such a testimony to Gabe's life. We talked this morning in my Mom's Group about how it would feel to live right in the center of God's will. We discussed how it may be painful on us physically and emotionally, even though spiritually it would be for the best. How can I not think of my Gabey? It was obvious to me that chosing to carry Gabe to term and allow God to decide when his life would end was God's obvious will. Did it hurt? Oh yeah. But, ultimately I put myself in the center of His will and that's exactly what He asks of us. I am moving into a new phase of "normal" since losing Gabe. It's the becoming-grateful-for-every-single-little-thing phase. It's nice. I recommend it. I hold Joel tighter. I no longer allow him to cry more than five minutes when I put him down for bed. I gush over my ah-mazing hubby even more than before. And, did I mention that I have the BEST friends a girl could ask for? Seriously. As one friend put it, upon seeing all the people who came out to Gabe's 1st Angelversary, "You could be mad at a whole group of friends and still have plenty left!" Ha! So, the topic of death and salvation has been coming up in many circles of my life, particularly in our biblestudy group. It was a night of great discussion, but it in the end we were left with the conclusion that no one really knows another's heart, and therefore no one can know where someone will end up after death. WELL... I was on one of my many BabyCenter boards and came across this bible story:
2 Samuel 12:16-31 (NIV) - 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them. 18 On the seventh day the child died. David's servants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, "While the child was still living, we spoke to David but he would not listen to us. How can we tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate." 19 David noticed that his servants were whispering among themselves and he realized the child was dead. "Is the child dead?" he asked. "Yes," they replied, "he is dead." 20 Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate. 21 His servants asked him, "Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!" 22 He answered, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, 'Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.' 23 But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me." 24 Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and lay with her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The LORD loved him; 25 and because the LORD loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jedidiah. Let us all take a look at verse 23, "I will go to him, but he will not return to me." David has come to the realization that he cannot bring his son back to life, but he finds comfort and joy when he realizes he will go to Heaven one day to be with him. For mothers and fathers of babies who have left this earth too soon, this is the ultimate story of HOPE. I cannot describe how much better I feel today. The heavy burdensome weight of sadness has lifted. I have been overwhelmed with everyone's kind comments on my past blogs. So, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I have been so upset recently that I thought about deleting this website, or at least making it into a Family Site to discuss our lives outside of the reality that we lost our son. But, you know what? This is all I have. This blog, these pictures, this story, is all that's left of my baby boy. I will not be able to hold him in my arms until I am in Heaven and I can only pray that he and I will recognize each other.
I have been so tearful today, crying off and on over the slightest things. Maybe at this point I will mention that I took myself off my anti-depressants. I know I will be judged by some, and I know that others will make their own assessment of my need for them. But, at this point I have to do what I think is best for me. Only in an effort to help others, I will go into detail about my medication journey. (Once again I find myself in that place where I am just hoping that getting this out, via this blog, will help me release these emotions and I will feel better afterwards.) I got Gabe's fatal diagnosis April 29th, 2009, he was born August 21st and I started Lexapro around November. I was told that I had "situational depression" since I had never been on meds before, and was informed that I would only need them for a "season," probably through the Spring. Well, like many people, I decided I could stop them when I felt better, which was about three months later in January. It wasn't until I moved into my "anger phase" of grief in May that it was suggested by family members that I go back on medication. I immediately made an appointment and started Lexapro again. After the first month, I was switched to Zoloft because we were officially trying again and, after many hours of research, I found out Zoloft was the safest anti-depression medication for pregnant women. I stayed on that a full two months and just stopped my meds last week. Why? Well for one, my counselor informed me that not being on a med for a solid number of months (about six), and the starting/stopping/starting process can actually make you feel worse emotionally. Secondly, I have also worried that being medicated has hindered me from feeling my emotions completely, therefore delaying my healing process. And, finally, I don't want any medication in my system IF we are fortunate enough to find out we're expecting again. So, that being said, not tapering off my meds maybe wasn't the smartest thing ever. I guess I'm explaining myself to those who love me and will not pass judgement. And I am asking that you lift me up in prayers as I go through this weaning process, which has left me very emotional, moody and weapy. Now, doesn't that sound nice? Thank you to all of you who have shown me amazing support and unconditional love. I hope I have good news to share soon. Recently I was made painfully aware that not everyone understands the loss of a child. Some can't even begin to understand why we carried Gabriel to term, and believe he should have been aborted when we received our fatal diagnosis at twenty weeks. So, for the majority of you out there who do understand, or can at least empathize with us - please take a moment and make a comment on this blog. It would help me make a point to those who are casting such a negative light on this aspect of my life.
Here are some of the highlights of what I was told: Other people (who are grieving) handle this better, without upsetting their families. I need to get over it and I sound crazy. I upset everyone around me, and need to be considerate of them. My support group isn't good for my mental health. I shouldn't be thinking about/remembering him every month, every year until I die. "He wasn't a real person." If this has upset you, or you just don't agree with it, PLEASE make a comment on this post. This blog is visited anywhere from 30 to 300 times per day each month. So many of you remain anonymous, yet are consistant with your visits. Please take a moment and comment. Thanks! I am so very sad this week, same as last. The week leading up to Gabe's birthday was very difficult for both Kyle and I. It all seemed unreal. It's crazy how I can remember so much from his birth, yet it also feels like it's so distant I doubt that it really happened. I question how in the world I had the strength to endure it. How did I carry him for nine months, knowing I wouldn't be bringing him home? How did I endure two weeks of contractions? How did I endure labor and the moments leading up to giving him away? Seriously. How did I physically do it?
I just want to be pregnant again. Somehow I think that having a normal pregnancy, a great birth, and a new baby will heal my heart. All I can do is pray to God, that he would be gracious enough to trust me with another child. Somedays it just doesn't feel like enough. From my friend Brandy: She posted the following on her blog:
"Today is a very special day. It's Gabriel's birthday. Gabriel is a little boy who I never got the privilege of meeting, but has touched my heart in a way that I never thought it could be touched. Gabriel only lived two hours, but those two hours have made his parents able to minister to so many others. So many doors of friendship have opened because of this one little boy. WIthout Gabriel, I never would have even heard of his parents. I am so happy to know them. Without Gabriel, this blog that has been so healing for me never would have even existed. Christians are supposed to help carry one another's burdens. The loss of a child is such a heavy burden--- no one can carry it on their own. I can honestly say that I've never met Gabriel's mommy or daddy face to face, but I feel like I know them better than some people that I consider a good friend. Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers today as they are missing their little boy so very much." LOVE YOU, CARRIE!! :) In case you don't know (if you don't have a Facebook account) we are holding a ceremony of sorts for Gabriel this Saturday at 7pm. Our son would have been turning one year. What a crazy thought. This is a momentous occasion for us. It's been a tearful week for Kyle and I, and for many of our close friends and family.
Since Rose Hill Cemetery is the largest in our county, I just wanted to give you guys directions to Angel Land... If you come in through the main enterance (where the fountain is), drive through and make your first left. This road will take you around the cemetery in a big circle. Continue turning towards your right when you see the sign for "Legend of the Dogwood." Angel Land is along this road on your lefthand side. I recommend parking on the right side of the street in case any other families would happen to be visiting loved ones in Angel Land on Saturday night. We will actually set up the balloons and a table full of Gabe's pictures in the small open field to the left of Angel Land. See you all at 7pm!! :) So many of you have been emailing me with kind, uplifting words. I want you to know how grateful I am for you. It's so easy to focus on the negative comments, and it helps to be flooded with enocuraging ones. Had to share this from my friend, Carolyn:
Marjorie Holmes writes,"I am grateful God for tears. How marvelously you made us that we are equipped with this way to express our emotions. Quick tears to relive hurt or for the times we are touched, too moved to speak. Or when the deeper sorrows come, that we have this fierce and wonderful cleansing. How you must love us that you provided this for us. No other being has it, no insect, bird or beast. Only man and woman in your likeness. Jesus wept, as we weep. Our very tears our testimony to your fatherhood. Thank you for this proof that we are your sons and daughters, and for this healing outlet, the ability to cry. And thank you Lord for laughter and all the people who can bring it about. The world is so full of anguish; life itself sometimes seems so grim. Thank you that in your vast understanding you gave us laughter to make us forget, to restore our wounded spirits and lighten the load. Just as you saved tears for human beings, you blessed us alone with laughter. Surely this is a clue to your very nature. A nature akin to our own. Thank you for this blessing Lord. This shining gift of laughter." Hello lovely readers. This morning our church speaker quoted lyrics from a song. And I simply cannot get over how amazing these words are.
"Sometimes God calms the storm, but sometimes God calms the child." It makes so much sense to someone who has ever questioned why bad things happen in this life. Jesus told us that we would have troubles in this world. Jesus warned us of that, even guaranteed that it would happen. And even though He has the capability to stop every storm (every trouble, every struggle, every obstacle we may face), He doesn't always do that. And, with perspective we can see that sometimes it's the bad things in life that draw us closer to Him. It's all a part of his plan. The storms in life can cause us to look up. I literally cannot stop crying. Hoping that typing out what I'm thinking and feeling is going to help. Cause I've already done the following and it hasn't helped: Visited with a friend, ate a smoothie, talked with another sweet friend on the phone, organized my house, lit a sweet smelling candle, put Joel to bed, watched a way too sad video on Facebook. Darnit.
It started last night when I couldn't sleep. I was awake and alone and thinking about my precious son and my amazing husband and the fact that they were both sleeping peacefully. And then, a memory that felt more like a shout than anything else, reminded me of being up in the middle of night, thinking about Kyle and Joel sleeping, and counting the minutes between my contractions the night before I had Gabe. I remember knowing that I could wake up Kyle, but wanting to be strong by allowing him to sleep. So, I just tried to cherish those last moments of my baby boy inside my belly. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I ENDURED THAT AND YET I DO NOT HAVE A BABY BOY TO HOLD. How unfair is that? How awful is that? Yes it gave me eternal perspective and yes it made my closer to my family, but GOD, IT SUCKS. I cannot remember the last day I spent crying this much. In a way, it feels good because I can get to feeling really guilty about not being sad and not shedding tears for MY GABE. So, here it is. Here is all the emotion that I have been trying to avoid and it is enabling me to release it. And I have stopped crying... It's official. I am going to shut up and build some walls to try to shield myself from oblivious and rude individuals. I am so tired of assuming that friends will be compassionate and understanding. If you don't have anything kind to say, just say "I'm sorry."
Hey guys. Having a rough day so I thought I'd get on here and tell you all about triggers. They are awful. They are everywhere.
One day last week at the beach, I was having a delightful time reading my book and listening to the sounds of the ocean. I look over and see a family setting up a spot close to us. At first I think it's a Mom, a Dad, and twin boys, but upon closer inspection I realize that it's two brothers very close in age. I immediatly start to cry, trying to keep as silent as possible. I am once again reminded of what I could have, should have. All week I kept thinking about how happy and content Joel was, without a playmate at all. It just breaks my heart. The other trigger that came unexpectedly was the expiration date on more than one grocery item I consumed at the beach. I guess sports drinks and such are good for about eight months because I saw the date March 18th, 2010 on several things. That would have been, should have been, my next due date. Ugh. It all seems like too much sometimes. Hello readers! So much to tell you, but to be honest, I have not felt like blogging. I'm doing this out of my love to you and nothing else, ha. So, we were on vacation with family this past week and the wine flowed like, well, wine. It was a great week, so relaxing and uplifting. Lots of laughter and no schedule. Perfect.
Friday morning I woke up really sad, not really able to put my finger on it. Was it my longing for Gabe? Was in time to finally bawl over the miscarriage? Or was it just the realization that my vacation was almost over? All I know is that I was able to finish the book Eat, Pray, Love on the beach and that really improved my mood. Chapter 105 really spoke to me: "The Balinese don't let their children touch the ground for the first six months of life, because newborn babies are considered to be gods sent straight from heaven, and you wouldn't let a god crawl around on the floor with all the toenail clippings and cigarette butts. So Balinese babies are carried for those first six months, revered as minor deities. If a baby dies before it is six months old, it is given a special cremation ceremony and the ashes are not placed in a human cemetary because this being was never human; is was only a god. But if the baby lives to six months, then a big ceremony is held and the child's feet are allowed to touch the earth at last and Junior is welcomed to the human race." This made me think about the incredible miracle it is that a child even makes it through nine months of pregnancy, not to mention the agony that is labor, and then its first year. Being a mother of an angel has made the reality of loss all too real. The miscarriage hasn't helped either. Last night Kyle and I had an awful conversation. On our way to visit his parents, whom I am officially calling "Momma" and "Dad" now - come on, we've been married five years - we had a talk about the possibility that God may only ever grant us one earthly child. That possiblity was something I had not allowed my mind to fully devour. Just today I was telling someone about how we lost Gabe almost one year ago, and had a miscarriage two weeks ago (it's been two weeks already??!) He told me that his wife suffered three miscarraiges and that although they may be common, they never got any easier. So then I asked how many children they did have, thinking about the families I know who have six/seven kids with an additional two/three miscarriages. He replied that they had one son. Ugh. That might be us. This whole time I've been worried about creating a sibling for Joel. That might not be God's plan. So, what am I to do? WWJD? Ha! He would want me to be positive and content in the life he has provided for me. So, now my energy and love will go completely to my son. He is my gift. He is a blessing to me. Any other child that comes our way will be another blessing. Wow, that was honest. Just read this tonight:
"I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14 Here are the few pictures we have to remember this short pregnancy. I took several pregnancy tests, which all came back positive right away.
The picture of Joel shows the shirt he wore to tell our families (and how we were going to tell family members when we saw them in person.) It's his Gabe shirt and I wrote above "Big Brothers" with an arrow pointing to both Joel's head and Gabe. It was fun to have him wear it, because it took everyone a minute before they got it. The third picture is of my tiny six week belly. Man, I felt like it popped out as soon as I peed on that stick! I guess that's what happens with #3. Thankfully, I think it's as flat now as it was a few weeks ago. Just wanted to share with you guys... Hello dear friends. Well today Gabe is turning 11 months old in Heaven! I often wonder when I get up there to see him if he'll be just two hours old, a tiny infant I'm able to hold and cuddle - which would allow me to be there with him as he grows... Or if he'll be a mature young man, able to show me around and teach me all I know to know about paradise. Kyle often reminds me that it doesn't matter. I feel strongly that I will recognize him immediately, no matter what how big or small his body may be.
C.S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." I think about that in respect to Heaven. And, the simple answer is, no one really knows what we'll look like in Heaven. But, I'm finally at the point where I can think about it and it makes me smile, not cry. I cannot wait to see my Gabey Baby again. That's not to say we have nothing to cry about these days. We miscarried yesterday morning, a pregnancy we've only known about since Monday July 5th. We were so happy, full of a deep sense that God was showing us how faithful he really is. So, although the miscarriage was more of a shock to Kyle than it was to me, it's still been a rough and unexpected hurdle to climb. All I can say is, "We'll just try again." Now, I don't know how many more times I can do that, but one thing I know for sure is that I want a sibling for Joel. He deserves to have a playmate and a best friend. I think because Kyle and I are both one of three kids, we know how great it is to grow up with other children. I pray that God is done teaching us lessons for awhile, ha. I loved being pregnant again. I immediately had heartburn, which has been my steady first symptom with all my pregnancies. Yes, it's annoying, but I still loved feeling it. So far I can tell you that losing Gabe and having a miscarriage has given me additional perspective. Losing a child at five/six weeks along is not as painful and traumatic as carrying a baby to full term, delivering and burying that infant. No funeral arrangements had to be made. I don't have a face and a name to attach to these past few weeks. But, that's not to say that I am discounting this as a loss. It's just a different kind of loss. It's much more a loss of what we wanted, the idea of having another - if that makes sense. I know God is faithful so I am confident that we will conceive again. But, let me tell you, I don't think we'll tell a soul until it's becoming obvious the next time around! It was so hard to try and remember everyone I had shared the good news with, only to have to send out a mass email informing them of our loss. And no one feels like talking after a loss. It's been hard to hear the phone ring. Thank you for offering support and love during this time. Oh em gee. I know I know I know. I haven't updated in forever. Well, it's coming to bite me in the butt, because had I been blogging consistently, you all would be able to see the obvious ways God has been working in my life, bringing a large theme to my mind over and over again. Now I'll just have to try to remember the sequence of events and hope that you are still moved. To tears. Just kidding. Maybe.
Okay, so I have found myself on this path of self discovery lately. My sister and I are reading Eat, Pray, Love which is all about a woman trying to find herself, find God, find spirituality, etc. It's all becoming the theme in my life right now and I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting close to 30, or if this is just another benefit of having and losing Gabriel: to examine my life, identify my flaws, make improvements, all with God's help and for the purpose to improve my personal relationship with Him. So, last Monday at one of my Mom's Bible Study groups, one of my dear friends was talking about how she is more easily upset with/mad at christians and their actions than unbelievers. We talked about the example of the believers who picket abortion clinics with large pictures of dead fetuses and how we have more love for the woman coming out of the clinic. She doesn't know better. She is lost and broken. She deserves grace and forgiveness and unconditional love. Then later in the week I found myself angry and "out of control" once again. This darn anger! According to everyone around me, it's been the obvious way my depression is presenting itself. No one wants to hear that, by the way. But, here I am, back on my meds for over a month, feeling so much better, and yet - "acting a fool" in front of some of my closest friends. So, when I got home I was really trying to identify the "why" behind my anger. Why did I get worked up? Why did I (maybe) make a scene? Why did I not allow the comfort and trust I have in my husband to protect me, and shut me up? I came up with the following: First of all, I suck. I am judgemental. I am not being empathetic. I am not putting myself in other people's shoes, yet constantly expecting others to put themselves in mine. Then I thought about the conversation from Monday. And, even if it's not right, I think it makes sense. I was getting upset, mad even, at friends of mine who are believers because I expect more out of them. Right or wrong, at least I figured out why I was so mad. The worst part is that I think of myself as a very empathetic person. I have a degree in social work. I have had formal training on the concept. But, my big "ah-ha" moment was realizing that I have great empathy for some (the abused, the homeless, the depressed, the addicts) and not for others (my own family, my friends, other believers.) Wow. A big pill to swallow. So, then Saturday morning Kyle and I attend a wonderful training through our church about leadership and once again, I am bombarded with all my flaws. I even begin to make a list of them in my binder: judgemental, angry, heated. But, then we learn that God does not want us to concentrate on those. It doesn't even make sense to concentrate on those. The training is called "Living your Strengths." Ha. So, I begin to question my passions. Social justice? Check. Grief and loss? Check. Addictions and recovery? Check. Whew - I have strengths!! Loved this quote from our materials, "God has created the one and only you, uniquely gifted with undeniable talents that are the foundation for your strengths. Claim who you are, listen to God, celebrate your talents, begin living through strengths. And start transforming your life..." THEN!!!! (Yes, there's more.) We go to church Sunday morning. Have I talked enough about my church? I love my church!! If you are local and are in need to feel the Holy Spirit on a weekly basis, let me personally invite you to LifeHouse East. We meet at the Leitersburg Theaters on Leitersburg Pike. Anyway, back to me realizing how judgemental I am... So, we soon realize that this new sermon series is about receiving God's grace in your life and the opening video is talking about how judgemental we all are. How we take one look at a person and make a few assumptions so we can label them and make a judgement about them. I laughed when I heard, "Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was a judgemental person. Unless you're a judgemental person, too." Ha! I could've written the opening video. OKAY JESUS! No, really, I get it. I'm judgemental. Let's work on it together, shall we?? Hope you're all having a good week! Love you, dear followers!! :) I have had too many thoughts in my head recently about this subject, and wasn't sure the platform to use to express them all. But, when you have your own blog, that seems to be the best place.
Reflecting on the past ten months since we met and buried Gabriel has been a difficult process. I have had so many conflicts with people and I have finally dissected each one and come to a conclusion. The common thread throughout each encounter was my desire to be an advocate and say what everyone else was thinking, but not saying (or saying to me, but not anyone else). It has been a difficult role to play, which made me question why I continue to do it. It may be the social work degree which taught me advocacy and fueled my passionate personality, it may be my past abusive relationship making me want to voice my opion through screaming and protect loved ones, but it may be the experience of losing my son which made me realize how short this life is, and that we all just need to get on with it. If you're reading this thinking, "Hmm, is she talking about me?" Maybe. But, rest assured, I'm also talking about heated discussions with at least five other people. I've spend so much time this past week thinking about this, discussing it with Kyle, and, per his advice, praying over it. God has opened my eyes to the person I am. At almost 30 years old, 28 to be exact, I am figuring out who I am. Some of you may not like me because of it, but more people have given me praise for it. We heard a guest speaker at our church the other month make a statement about "doing what you love." He said if you can't figure out what would make you "come alive," think about what really angers you. Yep, that's it. Cause we all know I've been angry lately. And that completely lines up with what I haven't been able to filter. Cause we all know I have no filter. So, I am passionate. I am not compliant. I am sensitive and tender-hearted. I am not willing to be stepped on. I am mad about this fallen world and the broken people who suffer because of it. I am happier when I focus on others, and not myself. I am calmer after being around my hubby. Oh, thank you Jesus for Kyle. But, I think the most important thing I've realized from this little self-discovery mission, is that I can be all those things, but I also have to be LOVING. I also have to allow Jesus to shine through me. I may not always have to use a filter, but I can wait on God's timing. Because, let's face it, there's not a reward in Heaven for the person who can voice everyone else's opinion. But if there was... "I am not what I ought to be. I am not what I want to be. I am not what I hope to be. But still, I am not what I used to be. And by the grace of God, I am what I am." -John Newton, writer of Amazing Grace Well, I just got a call from my sweet midwife who informed me that all the test results were back. Everything is perfectly normal. Huh. Well, I am relieved that nothing is wrong. But, I guess I was kinda hoping that something wasn't right, we would fix it, and I would magically transform into a woman "with child." So, the plan for right now is to take my temperature religiously, buy some ovulation predictors, and keep track of the next few months.
I am trying very hard to "let go and let God." I know that God's timing is better than my own. I know that just because I think I want my babies close together, doesn't mean that God doesn't know that waiting a year for a baby to be born, when Joel is four, wouldn't be the best thing for me. So, I will wait. I will pray. I will give up control over this and allow God to do a good work in me. See, I'm learning! ;) So, I'm watching my friend's little man today and as he and my son are beautifully getting along it hits me that he's only two months older than what Gabe should be. Crazy. As many times as I've been around him, I've never even thought about that! So, I have to make a decision. Be upset and start a tangent of what-if questions? Or, give it up, and enjoy my day.
I think what's been helpful this morning is that I have received two emails from two griveing mommas just today. One, a precious mother I just had to privilege of meeting in person who lost her angel a few short months ago, the other momma still pregnant with her angel baby, dealing with carrying to term. Both reaching out to talk to me, someone who's been in their shoes. It makes me feel amazing. It makes me focus on them, and gets my mind off of me. It's so easy to feel sorry for yourself, get stuck in your head, etc. But, if you focus on others, suddenly your load doesn't feel so heavy. Love you girls! So yesterday after one of my Mom's Groups, we all go to fast food joint with an attached playground area. I have allowed Joel to play here once, but because he is obsessed with slides (and can't read) he doesn't stay in the small toddler area "for ages three and below." Oh no. He has to climb up, crawl across, and enjoy all the activities of the older kids. Well, yesterday, he somehow got it in his head, that if and when he came down said slide, he would be scooped up and playtime would be over. So, he didn't. Ever. Come down the slide.
We arrive around 11:30 and I couldn't leave until about 1pm. I think the worst part was I was so embarrassed. Here's me inside the way-too-overcrowded play area, with about six moms, one dad, and 20 kids, "Joel! Go down the slide!...Do you want some ice cream?...Do you want to talk to Daddy on the phone?... Do you wanna go to Grandma's house??" Oh Lord. And, nothing worked! He'd say, "OKAY!" and then sit at the top of the equipment. Thankfully Jesus showed that He still does, in fact, love me, because there was another little boy (half the size of Joel, but only one month younger) who was also refusing to come down. His mother and I kept half-jokingly saying we'd have to go up there ourselves to get them down. Ha. Well, she ended up climbing up to get her son, and Joel, seeing the commotion, went over to that side. I said to her, "Those legs up there belong to me! Will you grab my kid, too??!!" And she did! Oh, thank you!!!! Guess Joel won't be playing on any enclosed equipment anytime soon. To make the day better, when Daddy got home we all went shopping for his Father's Day presents. Tools, of course. We went to Lowe's and Joel got to sit in a giant blue car cart, then we went to Sears and the mall and we all split a Dairy Queen hot fudge sundae, while we people watched. It was like a slice of Heaven. Good end to a challenging day... So, this morning was Joel's two year well visit. He was weighed and measured like a big kid this time, no more lying him on the paper to find out how tall he is. Kinda made me sad! My tiny baby is now a giant toddler! So, he's 36.5 inches tall and weighs 34.8. That puts him at the 97th percentile for his weight and between the 90th and 95th percentile for his height. The doctor said, "So basically, he's a square." Hahahahaha! She said she'd guess he's get as tall as six feet, if he continues growing this steadily. Of course, Daddy's in the corner shaking his head, cause he's hoping Joel will be even taller than him at six foot two inches. Oh I love my men!!
I went to the midwife's office yesterday and we discussed my irregular period situation. Basically, they've been very spaced out since I had Gabe (78 days, then 74, then 50, then 45) so they sent me for bloodwork this morning to make sure that my hormones were balanced, etc. It was kind of her to think of checking everything before we continue to try, getting more frustrated as the months go by. So now, just waiting to get the results. Another update is that I have been feeling fantastic emotionally these last few days. I don't know if it's prayers or that the meds are kicking in, but I'm so relieved and excited to be feeling better! If you've been lifting me up, THANK YOU!! |
Author: Meghan
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