Hello blog followers!! I know you're out there!! :) Today's subject is all about how my grief is manifesting itself into anger. Now, I know this happens, but I guess I didn't realize it was happening until last night. You know when you say something out loud, things click? I believe this is the majority of what happens in counseling. You just need someone to listen to you so that you can come up with your own conclusions. Anyway, my counselor is gone, so I had a make-shift session with a best friend and a tall Shock Top. Hey - whatever works!! :)
I figured out last night that I am really mad. At lots of people. For various reasons. And, what made it click with me that it was probably MY problem and not theirs, is that I realized in any given scenario, I would be mad at these people it they acted a certain way, OR if they acted in the exact opposite way. Meaning, it doesn’t really matter WHAT they do – I’m still mad. Ahh – how horrible is that??!!
I guess figuring it out is the first step towards fixing the problem. My lovely husband pointed out last night, during make-shift counseling session number two, that I am just like Sandra Bullock in the movie Crash. “I’m angry all time. I wake up in the morning and I’m still feeling angry.” That’s no way to live.
Found this online and it is spot-on: “Anger is but one of many emotional reactions to the painful reality of death. It is important to recognize anger as a natural, human response. If we can allow ourselves to be aggravated, irritated, even angered, by relatively minor life disappointments, we are certainly entitled to feel angry when faced with one of life's most devastating experiences — the death of a child. Anger is not chosen, however, whether to remain angry, to refuse to surrender it or to resolve it ....is a choice.
Even though it is a natural, emotional response and is not willed, anger does have some objectives. Initially, anger is PROTEST — an attempt to ward off a reality which is seen as too devastating to one's own sense of survival. It is an attempt to undo an event which is untimely and unwarranted. This phase of anger is the most acute, the most intense and therefore, perhaps, the most frightening. But anger must be expressed or ventilated in order for it to burn out. The reality of the death must be acknowledged; it cannot be fought or denied.
Anger is a means of RETRIEVAL. It craves a target. It may be directed at the doctor, at God, at oneself, or even at the deceased. Anger seeks to locate the author of the death with the hope that somehow our deceased child can be retrieved. This desire to retrieve or to have our dead child return to life continues for some time. Anger continues to feed the hope that somehow the death can be reversed. What eventually must be accepted is not only that the death has occurred but also that it is irreversible. As unfair and untimely as it is, the death cannot be undone.
Anger is a means of CONTROL. Anger erupts when we have lost control. It is an emotional response designed to regain control. It is a defense against accepting one's own sense of impotence. This helplessness may be the most painful dimension of a beloved child's death. Anger must be vented and burned out before we can, or in order for us to, get close to our helplessness. Our impotence to change the event needs to be accepted.”
So what am I going to do about it? Pray for forgiveness and pray that God will release this emotion from me. It's not fair to me, or anyone else. Hope this helps any other grieving mommas out there!! Love, Meg