Sorry guys. Didn't realize I hadn't blogged in awhile. I have been very overwhelmed emotionally the last couple of weeks. Lots of stuff going on personally, dealing with alot. Sorry that's so ambiguous, but I don't think it's fair to put other people's crap out there.
BUT, I am starting to feel better from all the drama. I had a big revelation about some grudges I was holding, and I truly believe God spoke to me and showed me the truth about what was going on in this situation. So, that's pretty incredible.
I can't believe tomorrow is Mother's Day. Yes, I have much to be thankful for. Yes, I have a precious little boy who is the light of my life. But, unfortunately, it's also a day that I remember that I am a mother of two. I have had two full pregnancies, yet only have one child to share my days with. It's on these special days that I am thankful I have a gravesite to visit, a place to go and find peace and comfort.
My thoughts about Gabe have been less and less about what he would look like and what he'd be doing. I think at some point I realized I was just torturing myself with those open fantasies. Now I find myself thinking about different ways I can honor him. I was so thankful for walking in the March for Babies, to have an entire morning dedicated to remembering my little boy. My dear friend is steadily planning the Gabe Memorial Walk to be held in October, which I am eagerly anticipating.
And, I have begun to think about how I will "celebrate" Gabe's first heavenly birthday. I think we will make it short and simple, at his gravesite. I know I want "I Will Carry You" to be played. It's been our favorite song since we heard it months ago. I just wish I had heard it before I had him, and had it played at his funeral. I think we will also release some baby blue balloons that day, after we write a special message to our little man. I try to think of things to do to both honor Gabe, and to help Joel understand where he is.
I talk to Joel about Gabe all the time. And, now he can say brother, Gabe, and baby, but he doesn't quite understand what any of that means. As I've said before, I never want there to be a day where we have to sit him down and explain it all to him. I want Gabe's life/existance/memory to be something that we discuss on a regular basis. He will grow up learning that he is a big brother and that his little brother is in Heaven. What a great way to be able to talk to Joel about Jesus and Heaven. I never thought of that before! See, that's why it's good to write. It does help the healing. Love you guys! Thanks for reading! And leave me some birthday suggestions!! :)