I AM DOING AWFUL

I literally cannot stop crying.  Hoping that typing out what I'm thinking and feeling is going to help.  Cause I've already done the following and it hasn't helped: Visited with a friend, ate a smoothie, talked with another sweet friend on the phone, organized my house, lit a sweet smelling candle, put Joel to bed, watched a way too sad video on Facebook.  Darnit.

It started last night when I couldn't sleep.  I was awake and alone and thinking about my precious son and my amazing husband and the fact that they were both sleeping peacefully.  And then, a memory that felt more like a shout than anything else, reminded me of being up in the middle of night, thinking about Kyle and Joel sleeping, and counting the minutes between my contractions the night before I had Gabe.  I remember knowing that I could wake up Kyle, but wanting to be strong by allowing him to sleep.  So, I just tried to cherish those last moments of my baby boy inside my belly.  I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I ENDURED THAT AND YET I DO NOT HAVE A BABY BOY TO HOLD.  How unfair is that?  How awful is that?  Yes it gave me eternal perspective and yes it made my closer to my family, but GOD, IT SUCKS.

I cannot remember the last day I spent crying this much.  In a way, it feels good because I can get to feeling really guilty about not being sad and not shedding tears for MY GABE.  So, here it is.  Here is all the emotion that I have been trying to avoid and it is enabling me to release it.  And I have stopped crying...