Remembering Gabriel
  • About
  • Grief Blog
  • Info
  • Family Blog
  • Guestbook

I AM DOING AWFUL

8/13/2010

 
I literally cannot stop crying.  Hoping that typing out what I'm thinking and feeling is going to help.  Cause I've already done the following and it hasn't helped: Visited with a friend, ate a smoothie, talked with another sweet friend on the phone, organized my house, lit a sweet smelling candle, put Joel to bed, watched a way too sad video on Facebook.  Darnit.

It started last night when I couldn't sleep.  I was awake and alone and thinking about my precious son and my amazing husband and the fact that they were both sleeping peacefully.  And then, a memory that felt more like a shout than anything else, reminded me of being up in the middle of night, thinking about Kyle and Joel sleeping, and counting the minutes between my contractions the night before I had Gabe.  I remember knowing that I could wake up Kyle, but wanting to be strong by allowing him to sleep.  So, I just tried to cherish those last moments of my baby boy inside my belly.  I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I ENDURED THAT AND YET I DO NOT HAVE A BABY BOY TO HOLD.  How unfair is that?  How awful is that?  Yes it gave me eternal perspective and yes it made my closer to my family, but GOD, IT SUCKS.

I cannot remember the last day I spent crying this much.  In a way, it feels good because I can get to feeling really guilty about not being sad and not shedding tears for MY GABE.  So, here it is.  Here is all the emotion that I have been trying to avoid and it is enabling me to release it.  And I have stopped crying...

Alexis
8/13/2010 11:29:18 am

My heart weeps for you, and always always weeps with you. I talked to Gabe just the other night and asked him when Gracie comes to welcome her with open arms and to help comfort her. Prayers will be said for you and hope that they bring you some comfort.


Comments are closed.

    Author:  Meghan


    I am a mother of two boys, attempting to blog in hopes of helping myself and others to deal with one of life's biggest tragedies, the pain of losing a child.

    Archives

    September 2011
    August 2011
    July 2011
    June 2011
    May 2011
    April 2011
    March 2011
    February 2011
    January 2011
    December 2010
    November 2010
    September 2010
    August 2010
    July 2010
    June 2010
    May 2010
    April 2010
    March 2010
    February 2010
    January 2010
    December 2009
    November 2009
    October 2009

    Categories

    All
    Angel
    Choosing To See
    God
    Grief
    Hope
    Potter's Syndrome
    Pregnancy
    Rainbow Baby
    Writing

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • About
  • Grief Blog
  • Info
  • Family Blog
  • Guestbook