I have been so upset recently that I thought about deleting this website, or at least making it into a Family Site to discuss our lives outside of the reality that we lost our son. But, you know what? This is all I have. This blog, these pictures, this story, is all that's left of my baby boy. I will not be able to hold him in my arms until I am in Heaven and I can only pray that he and I will recognize each other.
I have been so tearful today, crying off and on over the slightest things. Maybe at this point I will mention that I took myself off my anti-depressants. I know I will be judged by some, and I know that others will make their own assessment of my need for them. But, at this point I have to do what I think is best for me.
Only in an effort to help others, I will go into detail about my medication journey. (Once again I find myself in that place where I am just hoping that getting this out, via this blog, will help me release these emotions and I will feel better afterwards.) I got Gabe's fatal diagnosis April 29th, 2009, he was born August 21st and I started Lexapro around November. I was told that I had "situational depression" since I had never been on meds before, and was informed that I would only need them for a "season," probably through the Spring. Well, like many people, I decided I could stop them when I felt better, which was about three months later in January.
It wasn't until I moved into my "anger phase" of grief in May that it was suggested by family members that I go back on medication. I immediately made an appointment and started Lexapro again. After the first month, I was switched to Zoloft because we were officially trying again and, after many hours of research, I found out Zoloft was the safest anti-depression medication for pregnant women. I stayed on that a full two months and just stopped my meds last week. Why? Well for one, my counselor informed me that not being on a med for a solid number of months (about six), and the starting/stopping/starting process can actually make you feel worse emotionally. Secondly, I have also worried that being medicated has hindered me from feeling my emotions completely, therefore delaying my healing process. And, finally, I don't want any medication in my system IF we are fortunate enough to find out we're expecting again.
So, that being said, not tapering off my meds maybe wasn't the smartest thing ever. I guess I'm explaining myself to those who love me and will not pass judgement. And I am asking that you lift me up in prayers as I go through this weaning process, which has left me very emotional, moody and weapy. Now, doesn't that sound nice?
Thank you to all of you who have shown me amazing support and unconditional love. I hope I have good news to share soon.