I have been so upset recently that I thought about deleting this website, or at least making it into a Family Site to discuss our lives outside of the reality that we lost our son. But, you know what? This is all I have. This blog, these pictures, this story, is all that's left of my baby boy. I will not be able to hold him in my arms until I am in Heaven and I can only pray that he and I will recognize each other.
I have been so tearful today, crying off and on over the slightest things. Maybe at this point I will mention that I took myself off my anti-depressants. I know I will be judged by some, and I know that others will make their own assessment of my need for them. But, at this point I have to do what I think is best for me. Only in an effort to help others, I will go into detail about my medication journey. (Once again I find myself in that place where I am just hoping that getting this out, via this blog, will help me release these emotions and I will feel better afterwards.) I got Gabe's fatal diagnosis April 29th, 2009, he was born August 21st and I started Lexapro around November. I was told that I had "situational depression" since I had never been on meds before, and was informed that I would only need them for a "season," probably through the Spring. Well, like many people, I decided I could stop them when I felt better, which was about three months later in January. It wasn't until I moved into my "anger phase" of grief in May that it was suggested by family members that I go back on medication. I immediately made an appointment and started Lexapro again. After the first month, I was switched to Zoloft because we were officially trying again and, after many hours of research, I found out Zoloft was the safest anti-depression medication for pregnant women. I stayed on that a full two months and just stopped my meds last week. Why? Well for one, my counselor informed me that not being on a med for a solid number of months (about six), and the starting/stopping/starting process can actually make you feel worse emotionally. Secondly, I have also worried that being medicated has hindered me from feeling my emotions completely, therefore delaying my healing process. And, finally, I don't want any medication in my system IF we are fortunate enough to find out we're expecting again. So, that being said, not tapering off my meds maybe wasn't the smartest thing ever. I guess I'm explaining myself to those who love me and will not pass judgement. And I am asking that you lift me up in prayers as I go through this weaning process, which has left me very emotional, moody and weapy. Now, doesn't that sound nice? Thank you to all of you who have shown me amazing support and unconditional love. I hope I have good news to share soon.
Brittany
9/15/2010 03:24:13 pm
I have to say, I like reading the way your brain works and your reasoning. To me, non-judgmental, you're not rationalizing or explaining yourself to anyone but more giving insight. You're right, as much as it sucks, we need to feel every awful feeling. That's a big reason why I'm quitting my job. When I need to just "feel", I need to be allowed to do that. Working with the public (as you know) doesn't allow you to have a bad day. Bless our husbands for being such amazing providers!!!
Brittany's Mom, Sandy
9/15/2010 05:50:51 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss. I feel I have gone through most of what my daughter and son-in-law have, and know what you are going through. I can't talk about my Angel Grandson, Tyler, without tears, and there is nothing wrong with grieving. I really think the emotions you are sharing will help others who have been, are now, or will be, in your shoes. Open your heart and good things will happen in your future!
Jeanette (a friend and admirer of Brittany)
9/16/2010 03:32:17 am
Meghan, I've spent a good portion of this morning reading your journal, birth story, and blog. I have commented on one other of your links, but this one hit me personally. I have not been through the loss of a child as you and Brittany have, but I have been prescribed anti-depressents and took them for far too long. I support your decision to be off them 110%!!! I feel they do the job to help get us through a time where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, but I've learned, there is ALWAYS a light there. Sometimes it's just pretty dim. You are so right about being able to "feel". How else are you to manage the grieving you must do? Being on the meds, kept me in a lull. I didn't cry, I didn't laugh, I didn't feel joy or sorrow. If you can't do and feel those things when they are the strongest, you are prolonging what eventually will come. Take them on as they come. I am always amazed at the strength I have seen in Brittany, as I am now learning you have too. You both are so darn strong, and so darn smart, those of us who haven't been where you are fail in comparison. You are awesome! I believe it and I hope you do too! Comments are closed.
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Author: Meghan
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