I have cried over the most ridiculous things this weekend. Yesterday it was after failing at my attempt to make dippy eggs (which I don't even think I'm "allowed" to eat, but was craving them.) Today, Joel and I severely overslept and I was rushing around getting ready and after the fourth attempt to put on a very complicated maternity top (don't ask, don't judge, just believe me), I lost it. Like, bawling crying, yelling for Kyle to just leave and go without me. He came upstairs and laughed his face off. Which really put things in perspective for me and we both ended up laughing as he literally dressed me.
We spent the morning taking a drive into the mountains of PA, listening to amazing worship music, stopping to eat lunch at Red Lobster, and then headed over to Gabe's gravesite. It felt so good to clean off his stone, bring him his baby blue wind toy, and place the newly purchased solar lights around his angel. Joel was excited to go visit his brother; he loves to check out all the decorations in Angel Land, where the babies are buried.
I came home and decided to skim through "Choosing to See," by Mary Beth Chapman, and highlight some of the things I really loved about the book...
On depression, "It's a journey. I recognize the dark tides that can push and pull me to places I don't want to go. So I anchor myself to the One who can take me where I do want to go."
On control issues, she refers to herself "as the unofficial fourth member of the Trinity." LOVE THAT.
On what her husband said to the crowd of friends who had gathered at the hospital, upon realizing their daughter was gone, "As crazy as this seems right now...the only thing I can say to honor the life of my little girl and our terrible loss at this moment is to ask you, please don't miss this...we will all stand here one day and face eternity. If you don't know the One who can give you eternal life, His name is Jesus... you need to meet Him and you really need to meet my little girl in heaven... she's amazing."
An amazing quote by C.S. Lewis, "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
On honoring Maria, "Our whole family had come barefoot to Maria's service. It was our way of honoring her and proclaiming that we were on holy ground." I think we will do this for all of Gabriel's angelversaries, love this idea...
On how her husband grieved, "Steven was alone in the house. He took an extension cord and a pair of electric hair clippers out to the driveway, and buzzed his hair at the accident spot. In that time of deep grieving, the thought of just continuing on like normal, fixing his hair each morning, seemed like a travesty. He felt like Job; he wanted to do something as a visual representation of his mourning, like tearing his clothes or shearing his head." One of the most emotional parts of the book for me...
On comparing herself to Mary, mother of Jesus, "I wonder what it was like for Mary after her son's death. I know she saw him resurrected and was certain of the fact that she would see him again, but she was still His mom. Mary found favor with God; therefore, she was chosen to be Jesus' mom. But because God favored Mary, she was also chosen to suffer...She was chosen to carry a baby in her womb...She was human, she had a baby, and she raised that baby with the heaviness that she was to see Him suffer and thus she too would suffer." Reading this gave me huge understanding of my role in Gabe's birth and death. I'm forever grateful for the insight.
Spending time visiting Gabriel, thinking about him, and reading about someone else's loss has helped me to feel more grounded today. I knew that being pregnant again would bring up my grief, my profound loss of my precious baby - but taking the time to face these emotions head on has proven to be a worthwhile step.