Oh em gee. I know I know I know. I haven't updated in forever. Well, it's coming to bite me in the butt, because had I been blogging consistently, you all would be able to see the obvious ways God has been working in my life, bringing a large theme to my mind over and over again. Now I'll just have to try to remember the sequence of events and hope that you are still moved. To tears. Just kidding. Maybe.
Okay, so I have found myself on this path of self discovery lately. My sister and I are reading Eat, Pray, Love which is all about a woman trying to find herself, find God, find spirituality, etc. It's all becoming the theme in my life right now and I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting close to 30, or if this is just another benefit of having and losing Gabriel: to examine my life, identify my flaws, make improvements, all with God's help and for the purpose to improve my personal relationship with Him.
So, last Monday at one of my Mom's Bible Study groups, one of my dear friends was talking about how she is more easily upset with/mad at christians and their actions than unbelievers. We talked about the example of the believers who picket abortion clinics with large pictures of dead fetuses and how we have more love for the woman coming out of the clinic. She doesn't know better. She is lost and broken. She deserves grace and forgiveness and unconditional love.
Then later in the week I found myself angry and "out of control" once again. This darn anger! According to everyone around me, it's been the obvious way my depression is presenting itself. No one wants to hear that, by the way. But, here I am, back on my meds for over a month, feeling so much better, and yet - "acting a fool" in front of some of my closest friends.
So, when I got home I was really trying to identify the "why" behind my anger. Why did I get worked up? Why did I (maybe) make a scene? Why did I not allow the comfort and trust I have in my husband to protect me, and shut me up?
I came up with the following: First of all, I suck. I am judgemental. I am not being empathetic. I am not putting myself in other people's shoes, yet constantly expecting others to put themselves in mine. Then I thought about the conversation from Monday. And, even if it's not right, I think it makes sense. I was getting upset, mad even, at friends of mine who are believers because I expect more out of them. Right or wrong, at least I figured out why I was so mad. The worst part is that I think of myself as a very empathetic person. I have a degree in social work. I have had formal training on the concept. But, my big "ah-ha" moment was realizing that I have great empathy for some (the abused, the homeless, the depressed, the addicts) and not for others (my own family, my friends, other believers.) Wow. A big pill to swallow.
So, then Saturday morning Kyle and I attend a wonderful training through our church about leadership and once again, I am bombarded with all my flaws. I even begin to make a list of them in my binder: judgemental, angry, heated. But, then we learn that God does not want us to concentrate on those. It doesn't even make sense to concentrate on those. The training is called "Living your Strengths." Ha. So, I begin to question my passions. Social justice? Check. Grief and loss? Check. Addictions and recovery? Check. Whew - I have strengths!! Loved this quote from our materials,
"God has created the one and only you, uniquely gifted with undeniable talents that are the foundation for your strengths. Claim who you are, listen to God, celebrate your talents, begin living through strengths. And start transforming your life..."
THEN!!!! (Yes, there's more.) We go to church Sunday morning. Have I talked enough about my church? I love my church!! If you are local and are in need to feel the Holy Spirit on a weekly basis, let me personally invite you to LifeHouse East. We meet at the Leitersburg Theaters on Leitersburg Pike. Anyway, back to me realizing how judgemental I am... So, we soon realize that this new sermon series is about receiving God's grace in your life and the opening video is talking about how judgemental we all are. How we take one look at a person and make a few assumptions so we can label them and make a judgement about them. I laughed when I heard, "Looking at me, you wouldn't think I was a judgemental person. Unless you're a judgemental person, too." Ha! I could've written the opening video. OKAY JESUS! No, really, I get it. I'm judgemental. Let's work on it together, shall we??
Hope you're all having a good week! Love you, dear followers!! :)