Hey guys. I have been trying to write this blog for so many days now, I have needed to write out and let go of all these emotions, but for whatever reason it hasn't happened yet.
Kyle and I need your prayers. We have been so emotionally wrecked lately. Kyle has taken time off work, I have needed help taking care of Joel. We have been a mess! I know; it's to be expected. Yet, it's almost been eight months, so it has kind of caught us off guard.
I have been tearful for days now. Crying off and on because of a thought, or a song. And, as sad as I feel, I know that every tear shed brings me closer to finding peace about my situation. It is good to cry, even though it can hurt so badly.
So, as many of you know, we are officially trying for our third baby. It’s been a few months now and I can easily start having “Why hasn’t it happened yet?” moments. But, I am trying to remember that God’s timing is perfect and that maybe I need more time to grieve (hmm, you think??!) So, during my weak moments, I find myself researching how long it takes to get pregnant again, etc, and have found so much data on how women are usually irregular after birth as nature’s way to naturally prevent a pregnancy too close to the last one. And, everytime I think “Well, that certainly didn’t prevent me from getting pregnant with Gabe!” (He was conceived just six months after I had my firstborn, Joel, the same month I stopped breastfeeding him.)
Then, last week I heard about a couple who has two children and discovered they were pregnant with their third child just DAYS after the husband had a vasectomy preformed! They may have thought they were done, but God had other plans. And what I have been learning is that if GOD wants you to have a baby – He will GIVE you that baby! After I shared this with Kyle, he said, “That makes Gabe’s life so much more intentional. God wanted us to have him, knowing that we would lose him. He wanted us to have to make a choice, and grieve his death.” So powerful!
So, even though I still feel so wounded by my grief, I know it’s all for a purpose. It’s all within His plan.
April 29th will be the one year anniversary of the day we got Gabe’s fatal diagnosis. Please pray for us.