Today is one month exactly since my angel was born and passed away. My heart still has a very real pain, a terrible ache. I still cry, weep even, for the child I lost. For the son I had to bury. For the playmate my firstborn won't have. This journey has taught me many things, and I know I will continue to learn things along the way, but, it has not been easy. In one month's time I have not yet been able to forget the pain of childbirth, and at this point, recalling those moments can feel more like post traumatic stress than remembering my child's birthday. I try to remember the good moments from that day. The precious time that I had with my "Gabey." Touching his nose and hearing his cry. Holding him close and smelling his scent. I remember all those who were there to share in the amazing experience of that day. How grateful we all are for the time we had with Gabe. Even if it was just two hours. Especially because it was two hours.
I am learning that you not only have good days and bad days, but good and bad hours, even moments. Sometimes I am great. I even laugh (gasp!) But some days I cry at the site of a baby on tv, and the thought of Joel not being able to bully his younger brother. In parenting circles, you often hear about mothers who worry with whether or not they will love their second child as much as their firstborn. This blows my mind. I love Gabe so much. And he is not even here with me. His spirit is in Heaven, just waiting for me. And his little body is in the ground, where I can go visit him, but he's not really there. So, technically, I don't have anything to love - but oh, how I love him. I very much consider myself a mother of two boys...
So, in closing, let me say that I am journaling on this side of things as much for you as I am for me. I think it is good for me to get my thoughts and feelings out, and I know so many of you are wondering how I am doing... So, here you go. Hope you're all doing well. Love, Meg