I still struggle with the knowledge that some people cannot comprehend why I carried my son to term. And I want to address that now, for me and for you. So, if you do not agree, or you do not understand, I am hoping this will help shine some light.
First of all, a loss is a loss is a loss. And I would be a grieving mother if I miscarried at six weeks, or if I chose to induce my labor at 20 weeks, or if I carried Gabriel to term. Losing my baby would be a loss to me, at any point. I am not saying that losing a baby by miscarriage is equal to having to bury your infant, but that brings me to my next thought…
My second point is that it was not my decision to make. Coming to realization was difficult because the human part of me wanted out of the pain, wanted it all to be over as soon as possible. But I had my wits enough about me to know that no matter what decision I made, it was going to hurt me for a long time. The mother part of me knew that I had felt my baby move inside of me. How could I make a decision to end my own baby’s life? A baby that was very much alive and well inside me, even if he wouldn’t be after he was delivered.
And my third point is that being able to carry Gabriel to term allowed me to grieve the loss of my son. I have a face to remember. I have memories of his smell and the way he felt in my arms. I have a gravesite I can visit whenever I want to feel closer to him. I have tons of pictures and video to remind me of the day that I had him with me on this earth, and to give me the strength to wait to see him again in Heaven. And I am so very thankful to have all of this.
There is absolutely no part of me that regrets the decision that I made. My hope is that I will be understood by those that mean the world to me. Some of you may be wondering why I even care to explain myself. It is my wish that my child will not be forgotten. I will be remembering him in as many ways as I can and will be celebrating the time I had with him on important holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. It is my desire that through understanding Gabriel’s importance to me, others will also understand my hope to keep him memory alive.