Well, I thought I'd end 2009 with some reflections on this past year. I really thought today would be sad for me because moving into 2010 would mean leaving the year that my angel was born. But, I'm feeling pretty good today. I have so much to be thankful for and I think I have finally come to the place where I would like to put my grief behind me. No more feeling sorry for myself. No more moping around being depressed. Yes, 2009 was the toughest year of my entire life, but it's time to start over.
So, let's relfect, shall we? This year was most difficult because I learned of my baby's fatal diagnosis on April 29th. I had to go another sixteen weeks carrying my second child, knowing that he would leave this Earth shortly after, if not before, his birth. Being pregnant was not emotionally easy. It was difficult to cherish every moment, every movement. It was hard not to be mad or devestated. I think in many ways my mind battled with my heart, in an effort to protect it. You want to be as attached to your baby as possible, because the fatality of your child doesn't make him any less yours. But, you subconsciously, I guess, try not to become too attached because you know the reality of the way this is going to end.
Birthing my son was also emotionally difficult. I think my last four weeks were the longest, just waiting for the day I'd actually go into labor. Potter's statistics told me that the average week of gestation for labor was thirty-two weeks. Therefore making my mind crazy with just when and where the birth would take place. I cried the moment I realized "this was it." I cried when I was checking myself into the hospital. I cried during contractions, not because of the pain, but because of the cold realization that today would be the day that my baby dies. Yes, it was the day I'd get to meet him, but it was hard to concentrate on the good.
But the good things that happened were plentiful. I made the best decision of my life realizing I would carry Gabe to term. I now know that Gabe understands my unconditional love for him because of the decision my husband and I made. That gives me much comfort. I am also very thankful that I was even able to meet my lil man - alive! I was able to spend two glorious hours with him, studying him, figuring out which features came from me, which from my husband. And, on top of that, most of my family got to meet Gabe, too! That days hold precious memories that will not soon be forgotten.
This past year also brought my husband and I even closer. We were warned on many occasions that when couples go through something like this, it either brings them together, or forces them apart. I am happy to say that Gabe made me love my husband even more. It also solidified my faith, and the faith of my family and friends. What a blessing.
Throughout 2009 I have been able to watch Joel grow into a curious toddler. I have mended and restored a broken relationship with my father. I have learned many things about life, death, and my precious savior.
I am staring the new year without self-pity, grief and depression. It is time to move on and let go of the pain. Gabe will never be forgotten, and I will concentrate on the fact that each day that goes by, brings me closer to the day I will be reunited with him again. I pray that all my Potter's Mommas will find joy and comfort in the new year. We all have much to be thankful for, and this will be where we find our joy. Much love, Meg