This rainy dark weather reflects how Kyle and I have been feeling this past week. Kyle's been frustrated with school/work stuff, and we've both felt more sad than usual - unable to really pinpoint why...
When we were pregnant with Gabe, we made a cd of songs after we received his fatal diagnosis. Some of these songs come on The Word FM very often, and I've been happy to notice that hearing them has put a smile on my face recently, a physical reminder of how far I've come on this grief journey. But, this week, I would hear one of these songs and it would bring me right back to the sadness I felt when I'd listen to the cd. Remind me of how, even on good days, it would make me bawl my eyes out, pulling off the side of the road, or waiting a few minutes before going into the house or store or wherever.
Finally the other night, Kyle and I were discussing our feelings and he mentioned that it felt like he was sad due to an anniversary that was coming up, but the 21st of this month had come and gone. Then it hit me - April marks two years since we got Gabriel's diagnosis. Well, there it is! Now it all makes sense. It's still a little surprising that being pregnant with Zoe can bring us so much happiness, yet it doesn't completely heal our loss of Gabriel. We still miss him, long for him, ache for him, think of him, wonder what our daily lives would be like with him in it, etc.
A few friends have asked me how emotional I think it will be to physically birth Zoe, and whether or not that will bring up the pain of the day I had Gabriel. Well, we have a brand new hospital, and as my amazing MIL pointed out, it will be nice not to have to walk those same halls, be in a similiar room, etc. Having a new hospital is just one more way that we feel like we're starting over with this pregnancy. But, I can imagine that having Zoe will be very emotional for both Kyle and I. I'm sure we will still have thoughts about the last night we were welcoming a baby into this world. I'm sure that seeing her face will make us wonder whether she looks like me, Kyle, Joel or Gabe. I'm sure it'll be surreal that we will be able to bring her home with us. It all seems too good to be true...