The other question I've been struggling with so much lately is why I've made the unconscience decision to distance myself from God. I was doing so well!!! I feel like it was obvious that we were given Gabe only to have him taken away to draw us closer to Christ. I totally got it. I was doing so well!!! It's like now that the initial emotions have settled, I'm left with so much anger and disbelief. I'm so mad that I don't have him here with me. Yes, I get that he's in Heaven with God. But, I'm too selfish?? or jealous?? and just want him with me. I just miss my baby. I hate that I don't know what he'd look like right now. I hate that I don't get to see him play with Joel. Hate. So, I guess that's it. These negative emotions have caused me to take a step back and distance myself from God. I guess I do feel hurt that I've had to endure this.
The distance cause me to not want to have quiet times. Not want to listen to worship music, or sing during church. Like I was too afraid to put myself out there again?? Or maybe I didn't feel like I had anything to worship about. Well, like I said in the previous post, it is obvious when JC and I aren't close so the hubby has been encouraging me to get back on track with things. It's only been a few days now that I've read the word and listened to amazing, worshipful music. And you know what happened? It makes me bawl. I think it's because it's so obvious He's speaking to me and I feel guilty for not wanting to hear His voice. I also think that being that close to God reminds me so much of Gabe. Partly because it reminds me of how close I was to Him during my pregnancy and afterwards, but also because thinking about God and Heaven reminds me of where a piece of my heart lies. I think this is a huge breakthrough. I am thankful that I have this blog, and you readers, to help me sort all this out. Like usual, I having transformed from a crying mess to a peaceful spirit as I release all these words and thoughts. So, thank you.
Meenas
12/28/2010 01:10:15 pm
No, no, no...thank you. Your words resonate with all hearts and the struggles we face daily in our relationship with Christ. You rock!
Jessica Crawford
12/29/2010 01:49:39 am
You are absolutely amazing! Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us.And Thank you Jesus for all you've done and continue to do!
Jenna
12/29/2010 02:30:14 am
"also because thinking about God and Heaven reminds me of where a piece of my heart lies". Ugh, my heart sank when I read this. Totally get it! I too feel like I have been pulling away from God which is so random bc I thought I would get closer to him and be so thankful about this pregnany. I realized that I am also being selfish. I have downloaded a bunch of worship songs and have been listening to them as well. This morning actually I was listening to the "Desert Song" by Hillsongs, not sure if you know it or not and I thought of you. One of the verses is "All of my life, in every season, you are still God and I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship". I got that lump in my throat, because for so long when I sang this song I had such a hard time praising him in the hard times. And now...he has blessed me more than I deserve and I am pulling away?? Anyway, as always, thanks for the honesty. We can all learn something from this!
Brittany
12/31/2010 11:59:15 am
I find myself pulling away, too, you're not alone. Also, "angry" and "bitter" decided to join the party again as well. Why don't those feelings realize they aren't welcome?!? Comments are closed.
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Author: Meghan
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