The other question I've been struggling with so much lately is why I've made the unconscience decision to distance myself from God. I was doing so well!!! I feel like it was obvious that we were given Gabe only to have him taken away to draw us closer to Christ. I totally got it. I was doing so well!!! It's like now that the initial emotions have settled, I'm left with so much anger and disbelief. I'm so mad that I don't have him here with me. Yes, I get that he's in Heaven with God. But, I'm too selfish?? or jealous?? and just want him with me. I just miss my baby. I hate that I don't know what he'd look like right now. I hate that I don't get to see him play with Joel. Hate. So, I guess that's it. These negative emotions have caused me to take a step back and distance myself from God. I guess I do feel hurt that I've had to endure this.
The distance cause me to not want to have quiet times. Not want to listen to worship music, or sing during church. Like I was too afraid to put myself out there again?? Or maybe I didn't feel like I had anything to worship about. Well, like I said in the previous post, it is obvious when JC and I aren't close so the hubby has been encouraging me to get back on track with things. It's only been a few days now that I've read the word and listened to amazing, worshipful music. And you know what happened? It makes me bawl. I think it's because it's so obvious He's speaking to me and I feel guilty for not wanting to hear His voice. I also think that being that close to God reminds me so much of Gabe. Partly because it reminds me of how close I was to Him during my pregnancy and afterwards, but also because thinking about God and Heaven reminds me of where a piece of my heart lies.
I think this is a huge breakthrough.
I am thankful that I have this blog, and you readers, to help me sort all this out. Like usual, I having transformed from a crying mess to a peaceful spirit as I release all these words and thoughts. So, thank you.