I have decided to leave this portion of the website just the way it is. It reflects more than two years of thoughts about pregnancy, life and loss. Does it mean I'm healed and all is right with the world? Nope. Today's the 21st. The 21st is always hard. Even after God blessed me with Zoe, who also arrived on the 21st. Man, does that help! So, I am making a choice to focus on my family, and the children I have on this earth.
To my Gabriel - may you continue to rest in peace. I know your days and nights are now filled with praising and worshiping our Heavenly Father. I still have moments of jealousy that you are there and I am here. But, I know that we will be together again soon. I love you with all my heart. I still weep when I think about the day you were born and the moment Momma and Daddy got to see your precious face for the first time. You will not be forgotten, little one. There are so many things on this earth that remind me of you. So many songs, so many little boys who are the same age you would be, your brother and your sister, and every single rainbow - especially a double rainbow. So many people still remember you too. I will continue teaching your siblings all about you and the precious life lessons you taught us with your short life. You were not replaced, you can never be replaced. I can only dream of the day I get to hold you again. Love, Momma
I was so fascinated by this, I just had to share it with you. In just a few days, Zoe will be two pounds and 14.5 inches long! I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has gone! Can't wait to meet my little girl! I will be 27 weeks on Saturday, which of course has got me thinking about how many more weeks I will have left...
My dad and his girlfriend came over today, and since he purchased Zoe's bedding, we thought it would be nice to put her room together so that he could see it. Her crib came last week, a present from my in-laws, and we moved Joel's white antique dresser and changing table over. Kyle spend the morning putting the crib together and making sure the bedding was perfectly on display. Yes, I know we have three more months, but it's brought us so much joy to see her room come together. Hope you enjoy these photos!! :)
This rainy dark weather reflects how Kyle and I have been feeling this past week. Kyle's been frustrated with school/work stuff, and we've both felt more sad than usual - unable to really pinpoint why...
When we were pregnant with Gabe, we made a cd of songs after we received his fatal diagnosis. Some of these songs come on The Word FM very often, and I've been happy to notice that hearing them has put a smile on my face recently, a physical reminder of how far I've come on this grief journey. But, this week, I would hear one of these songs and it would bring me right back to the sadness I felt when I'd listen to the cd. Remind me of how, even on good days, it would make me bawl my eyes out, pulling off the side of the road, or waiting a few minutes before going into the house or store or wherever.
Finally the other night, Kyle and I were discussing our feelings and he mentioned that it felt like he was sad due to an anniversary that was coming up, but the 21st of this month had come and gone. Then it hit me - April marks two years since we got Gabriel's diagnosis. Well, there it is! Now it all makes sense. It's still a little surprising that being pregnant with Zoe can bring us so much happiness, yet it doesn't completely heal our loss of Gabriel. We still miss him, long for him, ache for him, think of him, wonder what our daily lives would be like with him in it, etc.
A few friends have asked me how emotional I think it will be to physically birth Zoe, and whether or not that will bring up the pain of the day I had Gabriel. Well, we have a brand new hospital, and as my amazing MIL pointed out, it will be nice not to have to walk those same halls, be in a similiar room, etc. Having a new hospital is just one more way that we feel like we're starting over with this pregnancy. But, I can imagine that having Zoe will be very emotional for both Kyle and I. I'm sure we will still have thoughts about the last night we were welcoming a baby into this world. I'm sure that seeing her face will make us wonder whether she looks like me, Kyle, Joel or Gabe. I'm sure it'll be surreal that we will be able to bring her home with us. It all seems too good to be true...
Hello readers! Just wanted to check in with you about how I'm doing lately. This pregnancy has been very unlike all my others, which would explain why my gut instinct was telling me that I was baking a different gender!! I have all the classic wives' tales for carrying a girl: skin breaking out, belly looking wider instead of out in front, craving sweets, feeling uncomfortable, etc. So, it's been a little rough in comparison to carrying my boys - sleeping has been difficult, the heartburn has returned, general achiness and lower back pain... BUT I still feel like I don't have any right to complain, or much of a reason to! We are just so thankful to be having a healthy baby, a little girl who is getting more active by the day. Thanks for checking this site so often, whoever you 200 people/a day are!! :)
We found out today that this baby is a GIRL, a healthy GIRL. A girl with plenty of fluid around her, complete with a bladder and both kidneys! I have literally been floating all day long. I am in awe of the goodness of God. I was praying for a healthy baby, and was excited that Joel might have a baby brother and I literally feel EXTRA blessed to find out that she's a GIRL!
We've decided on the name Zoe Elizabeth, which is biblical just like our sons' names. It literally means "life/fullness of God" which I thought was particularly amazing since one of our favorite bible verses is John 10:10, "I have come that they may have LIFE, and have it to the FULL."
As I feel this new life moving inside me, I can't wipe this smile off my face, and I can't keep these tears from forming. Thank you all for your prayers!!
Well, now that it's been a day since we saw baby, I did want to get back on here and say that I am feeling much better about everything. I came home from the dr's office and refreshed my memory by examining Gabe's ultrasounds verses Joel's ultrasounds and this baby has just as much fluid as Joel had.
I am praying that baby has nothing but good news for us during our big ultrasound. The fact that I have continued to feel movement has only helped me feel better about everything.
Thanks so much to all of you who have been checking this site. And thank you for your prayers and encouragement.
Oh, and FYI, we DO NOT CARE what the gender is. We will be finding out, but we will both be thrilled with a brand new baby girl, or be just as thrilled to find out Joel finally gets a baby brother he can play with! AND, I think we finally have names for either one! Whew! One less thing to worry about!! ;)
Appt today went okay. My dr's office graciously allowed us to see baby via ultrasound, and baby waved to us, but (in my opinion) baby didn't have a lot of fluid around him/her. The dr said baby's fluid looked ok, and pointed out the "black" areas, but there wasn't an abundance of fluid surrounding baby like I was waiting to see. Blah. Kyle and my friend Karlee just KNEW this is how it would go down today - that seeing baby via ultrasound would not give me 100% satisfaction, thus making me still rely on God for peace and comfort. I am fine with that. Just anxious. So, if you need a prophet for whatever reason, contact them. ;)
I have not been blogging because of my poor emotional state. I find myself in the middle of a storm, having to rely on my trust and faith, which has been a struggle. I feel like I'm doing all the right things - praying for myself, asking Kyle to pray, walking up and receiving prayer at church, but I do not find the comfort and peace that I am seeking. So, I am asking for your prayer as well. I remember feeling carried through some of my toughest days when I was waiting on Gabriel to come, finding out later that so many people were praying, even fasting, for me. It's very humbling to get on here and put all this out there and ask for anything, but I'm doing it.
I am not feeling baby move. I felt Joel at 16 weeks, and you are supposed to feel each baby sooner. I didn't feel Gabe at 16 weeks. We have an appointment Thursday and I am praying they give me an ultrasound so I can see baby with my own eyes. I hope this will give me peace of mind and that my faith will be restored.