Hello dear friends. Well today Gabe is turning 11 months old in Heaven! I often wonder when I get up there to see him if he'll be just two hours old, a tiny infant I'm able to hold and cuddle - which would allow me to be there with him as he grows... Or if he'll be a mature young man, able to show me around and teach me all I know to know about paradise. Kyle often reminds me that it doesn't matter. I feel strongly that I will recognize him immediately, no matter what how big or small his body may be.
C.S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." I think about that in respect to Heaven. And, the simple answer is, no one really knows what we'll look like in Heaven. But, I'm finally at the point where I can think about it and it makes me smile, not cry. I cannot wait to see my Gabey Baby again.
That's not to say we have nothing to cry about these days. We miscarried yesterday morning, a pregnancy we've only known about since Monday July 5th. We were so happy, full of a deep sense that God was showing us how faithful he really is. So, although the miscarriage was more of a shock to Kyle than it was to me, it's still been a rough and unexpected hurdle to climb. All I can say is, "We'll just try again." Now, I don't know how many more times I can do that, but one thing I know for sure is that I want a sibling for Joel. He deserves to have a playmate and a best friend. I think because Kyle and I are both one of three kids, we know how great it is to grow up with other children.
I pray that God is done teaching us lessons for awhile, ha. I loved being pregnant again. I immediately had heartburn, which has been my steady first symptom with all my pregnancies. Yes, it's annoying, but I still loved feeling it.
So far I can tell you that losing Gabe and having a miscarriage has given me additional perspective. Losing a child at five/six weeks along is not as painful and traumatic as carrying a baby to full term, delivering and burying that infant. No funeral arrangements had to be made. I don't have a face and a name to attach to these past few weeks. But, that's not to say that I am discounting this as a loss. It's just a different kind of loss. It's much more a loss of what we wanted, the idea of having another - if that makes sense.
I know God is faithful so I am confident that we will conceive again. But, let me tell you, I don't think we'll tell a soul until it's becoming obvious the next time around! It was so hard to try and remember everyone I had shared the good news with, only to have to send out a mass email informing them of our loss. And no one feels like talking after a loss. It's been hard to hear the phone ring.
Thank you for offering support and love during this time.