Last night, something amazing happened. I saw my child's face. I saw the face of Gabriel, not as the newborn I gave birth to, not the face I saw taking his last breaths, no. It was the face of a two year old little boy, smiling sweetly down to me, seated right next to Jesus.
I have been feeling very overwhelmed lately. Zoe is back to being very fussy and rarely content. Joel is struggling daily to master potty training, which as any parent can tell you, is very draining. Kyle has been amazing and so helpful and we even spent all day yesterday accomplishing everything I could think of that may ease my anxiety. Still, after groceries were purchased, the pictures were sorted, the house was cleaned and organized, I still felt literally paralyzed in my anxiety. I went to bed early.
I heard Zoe crying sometime in the night and after I went in to check on her, my anxiety was at an all time high. I woke Kyle up, asking him to pray over me. He prayed that Satan wouldn't have a foothold in my life and that Jesus' presence would be a source of calm and comfort. He prayed that angels would be watching over us, our children, our home. He prayed that an angel would guard our room and sit out on our bedroom balcony. And as he spoke these words, I began weeping. I tried to find comfort in what he was saying, what he was asking. And as I imagined angels guarding my home, I thought of my very own angel. And then I saw his face.
You know how people say they know a thought is from God, when it jumps in their head faster than their own mind could think of it? Well, seeing his face was kind of like that. I saw it so clearly, and it was so HIM, that I knew I didn't dream it up, that it was actually him. I hope that makes sense.
So what did he look like? Oh my goodness. He was the perfect mix of both Joel and Zoe. Joel's hair is white blond, while Zoe's came out dark brown, and Gabriel was right in between. It made me think about how often people question how dark Zoe's hair is in comparison to Joel's and that if Gabey was still here, he would literally be the missing link between them.
His face was precious and dear and chubby. And his smile was loving, with sweet big eyes. The best way to describe it would be to show you pictures of my kids and tell you that he was a mixture of these: