Striving to be content in all things. It's a decision I have to make every single day. Thankful for the two beautiful children I have on this earth, but oh so sad for the two waiting for the rest of our family in Heaven.
Kyle and I have been reading "Heaven is For Real," and decided to buy the kid's version of the same book for Joel and Zoe to read. I highly recommend both. The book is about a little boy who visits Heaven during a near death experience, and he explains it the only way he knows how, like an innocent child. One of the most profound things he shares with his family is that he met his little sister, a child his mother miscarried - something that they had never even shared with him.
It's made me think so much about the baby I miscarried in July of 2010. I think since then, I've really emotionally dismissed that loss because it felt so insignificant compared to the loss of Gabriel, who was full-term, born alive, and died in our arms over the course of two hours. But if I believe that life begins at conception, there is another life that was lost and is now with Gabriel. Gabriel is experiencing Heaven with his sibling! Why have I never thought of all of this before?
I remember a friend of mine explained that she always "felt" the baby she miscarried was a boy, and that she named him. In the book, the little boy shares that his sister in Heaven didn't have a name, because his parents never gave her one. I'm now comfortable enough emotionally to share that I always felt my first July baby was a girl. And I have decided her name is Mercy, because she escaped the hardness of this life by the grace of God.
Somehow, I've found more healing since giving her a name. And I can't wait until Friday, when I celebrate turning 30 by having three more stars added to the top of my foot - four stars total to symbolize the four children I have.
Reading the bible with Joel the other night really solidified my decision to honor my children in this way. Genesis 15:5 reads, The the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, "Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. This is how many descendants you will have!"